This entry is dirty.

I masturbated last night. I looked at some porno. I saved it to my computer. (The link, I mean.)

I masturbated today. Went to the saved link. Im so unsure of myself now, and I dont know how I feel about saving that link. It was something good, you know? Its hard to find really good porno online, and I knew Id masturbate again to it, and I was right.

This is me moving backward. This is me lost.

Should I delete it? Its the only porn link I have. I dont understand, youre supposed to take all the temptations out of your life, I dont understand. Its so easy to make yourself feel better (at least for now) through bad things. I also know that masturbation is healthy, but so is red wine. Addictions are very bad things.

Im at the time being having trouble with my feelings. Ive stopped cussing, and I feel stupid about it. Im not comfortable as this. I started relying on other people again, and maybe you can only truly rely on God because hes always there. Even if you dont feel Him, who are you to say the omnipresent is not? Youre feelings mean nothing, all that is true in this world is God, when you are masturbating He is there, hurting with you, right?

In my last entry I wrote about how I was trying to walk with broken legs, and how God was like my crutch.

Who gave me the broken legs in the first place, is what Im asking God now. And He would say that he gave us a choice at broken legs or perfect legs, and that it is my fault, that I made the choice for being broken.

I feel empty inside thinking about that. Were being rebellious if we cant accept responsibility for a choice we cant remember ever making.

Sarah left me a note about these sort of entries saying that they should be for a late night conversation with a lover, or a friend, and talking about it by yourself can make you go crazy.

Its dark in this room. I need to be alone. Preferably with God. Im too weak to be truly alone, arent I?

Is it a weakness to admit how weak one is? And if not, why would it ever be considered honorable?

I feel exactly the same as I did when I started this entry, and the only reason I was able to write at all was because I jacked myself off. Beautiful phrase, isnt it? Fuck, anal, come, cunt, pussy, twat, cock, hung. All these beautiful words.

What is wrong with us?

Mrs.Wifey

April 23, 2005

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. What’s wrong with wanting to make yourself feel better? If everyone jacked (or jilled) off, the world would be a better place.

Christmas Valentine

I’m glad that you are trying to stopp swearing. It is a very hard thing to do and something that is done unknowingly. I think it is very humble (and therefore very honorable) to admit your weaknesses. Not everybody can admit theirs b/c of pride or whatever. It seems like you are taking steps forward (though I know it seems like you are only going backward) Stay encouraged.

Take only one day at a time. Make a promise to yourself in the morning that you will do better and then try to do better. If you don’t, oh well, tomorrow is another day. And about the porn, it wouldn’t be the end of the world if you deleted it off your computer, so why not delete it? It doesn’t mean you can’t find it again, or look at other porn (which I’m not advocating) but it’s easier not

to do something when it isn’t there. eh, just commenting, you don’t have to listen to me at all if you don’t want to. Just know that everyone struggles with the same issues (maybe not exactly the same) but you’re not alone.

whyktdaggerktwhy

ryn: babysitting a drunk. It’s weak to not accept a crutch. You know what I’m saying.

all words are not beautiful. but i think most are. it’s easy to get hung up on sex, on the Obvious “Sins.” why doesn’t the church teach us more about denying our selfishness and pride, and less about denying natural impulses? that said, i think masturbation can become an addiction, as easily as alcohol. as easily as anything.