All is all ways forgiven.

I’m not going to capitalize Your name, if You don’t mind.

Lord I’m not doing very good. Why can’t I make myself better, why do I have to ask you for it? I fucked up again. I hate fucking up you know that, it was my fault, of course. Sir, I curled up on the sidewalk in front of my mother’s house tonight. I prayed to you. Where were you?

I’m collapsing in on myself, where are you?

I’m weak, I made a mistake again. Oh God. Why do I feel like I have to ask forgiveness for messing up in school? Who Are You? Tell me. Now, fucking now.

And why can’t I say fuck, what’s wrong with that?

And I fucked up again tonight. (I have stopped looking at porn, not because of you, but because it hurts me. But maybe that’s why you don’t like it?)

It’s like I’m in this everlasting state of anticipation, of this ending. Like slow motion, I see this fist coming at my face, and I know once it’s hit I can be over and done with it, and walk along.

This fist is taunting me Lord, so why don’t you stop it. I didn’t choose sin. I didn’t eat that fucking apple. I’m angry, God. I want to put my head through this laptop’s screen. I want you to help me at all times, whenever I need you, and I Always Need you, do you understand, you know! You Fucking Know I Need You Right Now, and what?

Who are you? I shouldn’t even fucking matter you, I’m useless, what, life’s all about spreading you? Why? What the fuck is all this time, and…and then I remember, asking you these questions is pointless. All I have to rely on are my experiences, and…the Bible. Which I don’t see how it couldn’t be flawed in some way or another.

I got angry at Sarah tonight. No. I told Sarah of my anger that’s been building up. Am I sorry? Did she care? It was mean, I think, but I was just telling her.

Was that selfish to do, to say something that says something about her, from my point-of-view? I know that everything is selfish.

She leads her life away from me, literally of course, but otherwise it seems I’m…no it doesn’t. It’s like my beer goggles just got taken off. I was lonely, and I’ve been so hurt lately, and she wasn’t there, and that’s all, I was just angry, I was just even more hurt.

And now I’m sorry. That’s the mistake I made tonight.

I just wish I could calm down. I wish my spirit was put to rest. I wish that I didn’t get jealous of people because they aren’t as always-there as I am for them, because they have this whole life. I wish things were equal. I wish that I didn’t feel like a loser, because I really really do.

I wish I had my own life, and I wish I wasn’t there sometimes. (But I do, and I’m not. It’s just that it doesn’t matter to you like it does me, because maybe it’s that you have a more enthralling life, and maybe I’m jealous of that. I wish I could hurt you right now, emotionally, I have all these feelings, pain, and it’s all selfish, because that’s all I am, no I’m sorry I’m not, I’m okay. But I wish I either was or wasn’t, I wish I either was always in your life or never, I wish for black, fuck gray. I’m going to kill this computer, I’m going to fucking bash it.

Why must I have human feelings?

I wish I were never jealous, never angry, never spiteful, never hateful, and never)

What kind of choice was that Lord? Why?

This anger is not stopping, this anger likes itself.

Forgive me for my sins, my father. Dad? Can I call you that? (Let me capitalize again.) Do You mind?

Dad? I need Your help. Father, I need You.

Just get everyone fucking away from me. I don’t want them to see me like this.

I’m sorry. Please, in Your name, get this out of me. Let love enter me. Let hate escape. I’m opening myself to You, again. Again again. Let love fulfill my life, and Your glory.

Hallelujah.