It sneaks up on you.

I closed my eyes with my contacts on and didn’t open them for two hours. I awoke to Sarah’s phone call. We talked for ten minutes. (My love for her, though, has gotten a lot stronger – we’re not just talking about liking feelings and butterflies – I love her many times more deeply than before, which feels good.) I’m surprised that my eyes don’t hurt because usually a person’s eyes dry out when you fall asleep with contacts on, they do with me. I feel down. I worked hard this weekend. I’m in a mood where I don’t think that something like this matters, my thoughts aren’t worth much. I was a little needy all day. It’s because I have a little crush, crushes always rock me emotionally. I don’t like them. I have a crush on someone at work, just writing it makes me upset because I really don’t want to. I wish I could stop myself right now. Maybe I’m just lonely and I like the attention? I like being lonely more than this, I can handle being by myself. Can’t you? I like the attention. The girl’s amazingly good looking, but it’s, I like the attention. Not that I wouldn’t enjoy kissing her. Boy I hate feelings, Not. I find it hard to become close with someone who’s attractive, that sucks. But I really should stop myself, because in the past…you can be different Jon. You don’t have to be a slobbering sad kid, you don’t have to like her. You can want to kiss her, and want to look at her…aw shit. This entire paragraph because of a crush. Can you believe that?