Goodness me.

I’m glad Sarah left me the note yesterday. At first it made me angry, “stay out of my fucking life” sort of, but then I just forgot about it, and asked God to stop this addiction.

Better now today, I realize it was a lot like masturbation. I get this feeling of God in my chest sometimes, and when I felt disconnected, I would just try really really hard until it came back, and I would feel it, but it’s like when you’ve masturbated too much and the ejactulate just doesn’t please like it should, it’s like that, and I was feeling that, and it was an addiction.

But I feel pretty good right now.

Oh yeah, one last thing, I walked in on my father talking on the phone to his mistress (I only say that because he’s legally married [for the 5th time] but really only legally) and he was saying, very quietly on the phone, very sweetly over and over…”te amo…te amo…”

I looked at his eyes from the side, and the were wide, and happy, and wet.

On his computer was an email he had written her, with a poem I assume he wrote (they met when they were just children):

HOW DO I LOVE YOU?
I LOVE YOU TO THE DEPTH AND BREADTH AND HEIGHT
MY SOUL CAN REACH WHEN OUT OF SIGHT..
I LOVE YOU TO THE LEVEL OF EVERY DAY’S
AND EVERY NIGHT’S MOST QUIET NEED..
I LOVE YOU BY THE SUNSHINE AND THE STARS BRIGHT LIGHT
I LOVE YOU FREELY..
I LOVE YOU PURELY..
I LOVE YOU WITH THE PASSION
OF MY AGE OF WISDOM OF THESE DAYS..
AND WITH MY CHILDHOOD FAITH
OF THOSE DAYS WHEN I SAW YOU FIRST..
I LOVE YOU, DORITA
WITH THE BREADTH, SMILES, TEARS..I LOVE YOU WITH MY LIFE..!

How about that.