Urgent Telegram from Earth

my plans for world domination have been put on hold STOP i have been sidetracked STOP i may never come back STOP

I’m getting a little antsy. With this whole God thing. I miss the uncertainty, the need to succeed, because I think that’s what I based my happiness on, on making it. But now that my happiness is based on something bigger then myself, where really my happiness at least for the moment has nothing to do with what I do with myself – and I have this thing, where I guess I got so good at it as a child, where I knew something would get done no matter what, if I did it or not, clean my room, the dishes, mom would do it. And these past few months it’s been me doing things, trying at least, and maybe failing, which is good, to fail. But I just feel so lazy since opening myself up, I guess I feel like God’ll do it.

(This seems too easy, this religion thing.)

But I know it’s just I don’t have to prove myself to anyone anymore. But I miss proving myself. I seem so small, and I feel bigger too. I feel better about myself, and all I’m doing for it is standing here. What’s my goal? To praise God?, right? To have him throughout my day, to love through him, him him him (which should be capitalized by the way). So I’m supposed to find what He wants me to do. I want to make films, even about him, regarding him, but will he “bless it”? What if I do end up just being a guy who spreads his word? And that’s fine, and since I don’t care about everyone knowing me anymore, will I just become a father who smiles at his son as he tries to become what he wants to be, when maybe he doesn’t really know? Is that like, realizing what we want is not what we need, or not what we’ll have. I don’t like that, I don’t like accepting what you are, I don’t like putting up with it and trying with what you have, and you can’t get-the-goals suddenly, and get-a-desk-job.

So I’m just sitting here, taking in as much as possible from every direction, waiting for my call. And I’m really fine with it. I’m realizing more now than ever. And looking at life. And listening.

That’s what I do most with my days now.

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February 12, 2005

Funny, I had the same goal myself. The “films about God” goal. RYN: you’re in.

You’re not necessarily going to “know” what God wants you to do by sitting around waiting for His phone call. God gives you talents for a reason. It may be that you love film because you are supposed to say one thing to one person, and that’s the end of it.

February 15, 2005

hmm… such ponderings. I don’t think we are suppose to know our goal(s). So if we reach “it,” we won’t know and then we’ll keep trying and doing more and more good. I don’t know. I don’t look at life like I’m “waiting.” I look at it like I’m living. Maybe not living each moment but hopefully living each day. But not waiting. I’ll leave it up to God to wait. haha. ryn: yes, it’s a picture of me

February 20, 2005

It’s good that you stopped to recognize him. To smell the flowers? God’s flowers. I think you are waiting for the messege, right?