What’s funny?

I received my new camera today. By camera, I mean camcorder. And because of my cold, which has been treating me badly tonight, I’m not enjoying it yet.

Once, I looked at it and thought, “What if I’m just no good with you?” And I could easily not be, I could easily be what I was before, but I hope I’m not. I hope to God, I can’t feel him lately, God. When I pray, am I supposed to?

Disregarding the supreme, I put on an old video from just last year, from August 2003. I’ve borrowed my friend’s (mom’s) camcorder to watch my old footage. Boy, I am so different. And, for a little bit it was fun, I had made a movie a year and a half ago that was a bunch of clips strung together with music, Coldplay – Everything’s Not Lost, and that was really good and I’m watching my New Old footage and I’m thinking, “Hey, maybe I can make another.” But it’s not as good. Or not as loving, the footage.

Maybe I just don’t want to repeat stupid things, and I find myself, then, embarrassing. All that bullshit footage for what? To try out new shots and not do anything with them.

There’s a line between experimentation and wasting time. I don’t want to repeat my mistakes. Last year I was thin, and full of myself.

Now I just wanna be something more. No more bullshit. I’m not scared of failing anymore.

ADDENDUM: Maybe I wasn’t scared. Maybe I just became an asshole, and maybe now I’m just bitter. Just a thought.