You shouldn’t base anything on music.

I called up Brandon again tonight, in the same mood as that one time, with that one message. He answered this time, “Hey, somethin’-somethin’,” where he was surprised to have a call from me.

“I love you,” I said sincerely. “Are you in love with me?” he asked jokingly. “No. You’re just my best friend.” Almost coldly, he replied “well, you’re my…5th or 6th best friend,” but he meant it as a joke.

I actually felt the, what, 1000 miles?, between us. “I’ve made new ones since you’ve been away,” he laughed. “That means a lot, thanks.” My love for life had now been replaced by a quiet melancholy. “You still doing nothing with your life?” I realize he said this as a joke, but man. I called to tell you, that I love you, that you mean a lot, and you make jokes. After all this, I started answering as succinctly as possible. “Yes,” I said as sincerely as I had told him I loved him. “Well that’s good.” “Yeah.”

I’ve been in a place where Brandon was lonely, had no one else (maybe he was just bored), and he told me I was his best friend, and maybe at that moment I had other, closer friends, maybe just in geography. But he was always one of the closest to my heart. I could never really get too emotional with him though, I think he’s a little closed off, or I’m a little too open. That 5, or 6 ahead of me, didn’t really hurt, I didn’t call him to make sure I was still in his favor, or good side or something. I called him. I love him. And I guess, in these kind of entries I think you see me at my best. Like, under all of my faults, this is who I am.

I wonder if maybe I’ve built Brandon up in my head since I’d always wanted his acceptance, even just this summer. And I know he has problems, with being in control, being better than you, being happy. We all want to be happy.

When I was driving home listening to Wilco, and this song “Reservations” is on, and I thought of what I would write about this, and of Chuck’s note, and how someone said he still reads, still notes. I don’t think he does. I don’t think this matters anymore. There’s better things.

But I’m sure he still cares.