Why do I even think I do?

My father’s brother came into town, bringing with him his wife and daughter. I hate people who can only talk about their children in so many ways, the ones who will fit them into a conversation on gonorrhea somehow and feel happy about it.

I guess I’m not much with distant relatives, so when I first met the little girl I said hey. Then just kinda looked. Then her mom, as if expecting me to say it and trying to usher me into saying it says “isn’t she so beautiful?” yes. Like that other little girl I saw at work, the one chewing paper, or the one on T.V. that shits her pants then gets help.

I understand that my “aunt” (since she’s from the spanish side of my family, I fail to see how we’re related) had several miscarriages before this one and how special this girl must be to her, but I’m not going to call your daughter beautiful unless I mean it, and me I see this little girl now sitting at a dinner table with her mom pampering her and feeding her ice cream with a spoon, all I can think is how she’s their little cutie now, and how in 13 years (let’s just guess she’s 3 since I don’t really care) she’ll be sneaking out fucking spanish boys and snorting colombian coffee.

This girl in the pretty little dress will rebel. And for some reason kids and family and marriage have been in my mind a lot lately. I think about how to properly raise a child, to make sure they’re not snorting coffee by 16, or become this monster rapist (when I picture my child, I only picture a girl. I’m not sure if I could handle a guy) or someone I can’t believe I’ve made this, and what now? They’re nothing.

That’s what I’m scared of. My daughter would be beautiful too, and what if she were a retard, what if she had some horrible disease, what if it’s a boy and he’s an asshole, and what if he turns out gay? (Turns out? Is that saying it’s my fault as a parent or am I being a normal human being, or a normal “christian” thinking that people aren’t born that way? Does that mean my sperm was attracted to men, or really what I’m saying is biologically it’s my fault? And why is this a fault? AND: why would I feel better [but still not great] about a lesbian? Why is butt fucking so wrong? And again: What does this say about me?)

If homosexuals are born that way, then I don’t understand it because it goes against, I mean, if God apparently doesn’t want us to be homo’s (not used derogatorily) then why does he make it like that? Is that a trial by fire thing? But that’s who you are, and you just end up hating yourself, and isn’t this God, isn’t this love? What if you can find love with another human who enjoys his own body part more than others, and why would some say ‘that’s not real love’? What if that is.

(I know, too much.)