Pages 5-8.

“I will just play dumb, I won’t hear a single word that’s said, I will bite my tonguel, never sing another song again, I’m Not Scared. I’m Not Scared.

Try. Wear my insides out. I don’t even try. I know I have seen the best I’ll have, I don’t even try.

Now they wanna take my chances.

I don’t even try.”

And then they just play.

(I don’t know if those are the actually words

Clouds are coming, air gets heavy, looksl ike troubleo n a rainy day. Some stars singing, can’t see my shadown, looks like touble on a

Holes aren’t covered, something something something, All smells trouble on a rainy day.

(Sorry, they started singing again, and again, I’m not gonna look up the lyrics, I’ll let you see what I heard and I wrote to you.)

[I just listened to the entire CD writing you.]

I like those [] things. Ilikedwhen you went :]

:[

Yesterday.

The CD is over. Huh.

I misspelled a lot right there. I Will Not Correct.

You’re lovely picture. Not stupid in the least. Not at all, whatsoever, I Love You.

That CD is less than an hour long ‘cause I got home at 8:15 or 10, started writing probably at 20, and now it’s 9:09.

Are you still thinking of me? Honestly.

I want you to every minute of every second of every year.

(Get it? I just fucked that whole thing up, but I like it more now.)

Yes, I Like Your Scratches.

I don’t think I’m going to print on front and back fro this letter. This is an every-page-gets-its-own-page letter.

(It is not an every-page-gets-it’s-own-page letter, however, and you do know why, my sleepyblanket.)

I love these stupid names I;m giving you right now, ‘cause they’re just so stream-of-consciousness.)

Don’teverleavemedon’teverleavemedon’teverleaveme.)

(It should have all been a parenthesis, that’s what I meant by having and end one butn ot a start.)

We really don’t have a start date, do we?

I’m gonna lose weight because I want to make you happy.

(I hate when people write “loose” instead of lose accidentally, like, someday I just want someone to be like “My pants are to lose.”

“To lose what?”

“Huh?”

“Are your pants playing a game of some sort?”

“No, no no, they’re too Lose. See?”

“Too Lose? What, now they lose Too Much? I don’t get it man.”

“Shut up, smart fuck.”

“No you shut up, you Stupid . . .”

Not that Mike has ever done that, but it’s funny. Thinking so.)

I like your mommy.

I like you.

I want dogs and babies with jew.

I want you.

I may lay down for a moment.

Back now and yeah, I’m Genuinely Happy.

(Going back to lie (is it lye or lie??! I don’t know, I’m so scared someone’s now gonna write “I hope someday someone says ‘Will you lie with me?’ ‘I thought we promised to Never lie to each other.’ ‘No, I mean Lie.’ ‘Oh, fuck it, let’s just lay down, Because I Love You.’”) down for a little, maybe, Definitely have a show before work (I always spell definitely wrong, if not for Spell Check…man.))

If not for the Mike Check, we’d be too sexual (for where we are now). I love the cold.

I’m going to Lay down, like Ij ust said I would, be back in a few minutes. (9:22.)

(9:26.) I just called Sarah and left a message on her machine telling her I knew she wouldn’t appreciate last night’s phone call much (as much as usual at least) and that I apologize, good luck with her play (she wrote one and it’s being put on this weekend, wanna go Jenn?) and to call me at some point today, and then there were a lot of silences, and I told her I had more to say, but I don’t want to waste her message time (whatever that means) then I took a long breath again (not melodramatically I promise) and told her I love her and she’s great, ‘cause she really is.

What I was thinking while laying on my bed before I called Sarah, when I was (I always am) thinking about you: Do your homework young lady. Still talk to me just as much, some sweet name here.

I’ll help with your homework whenever you want but methinks Mike would want to first.

(And then he’d buy you a fucking thing of Mountain Dew.)

(Do The Dew, Mike, Just Fucking Do It.)

[:)]

I love writing you this much, I know you care too.

I have that “Eskimo” song in my head again. “So I-look-to my-Es-kimo-Friend.” (that’s the beat it goes at, singing-wise.) Let me bold it to help you recognize it more: “So I-look-to my-Es-kimo-Friend.”

I will post this on my diary (private at first of course) ‘cause I like this letter.

I’ve been writing for an hour now, and notice how my letters aren’t so interactive, it’s because it’s more about the love then about the grabbing your attention (see and now it’s saved for when I want to be special). :)!

In about 10 minutes (less actually) (I need to see “Love Actually”, wanna go this Friday after school?) I’m going to have My Shower.

Yes.

I’m gonna poop real quick. (This is what I meant by I want you to know everything I do, freaky yeah?)

Be Arrrrrr Be.

Here I am (such a better driver than Mike, man, such.)

9:40.

Yeah, I should have my shower in a few minutes.

I love you Jenn.

Well, I think I should end this now, I wanted to get to 10 pages, but maybe someday.

I love you so much. I’ll think of you in the shower (not like that) I love you smell I’ll think of you at work and hopefully you’ll be home when I get off work so I can see you then and not be my total self.

It’s because you’re not there with me, so I’m only half of me.

Do you think he feels you’re the other half of him? Well, no matter, I’ll still (hopefully) see you then.

I can’t wait, I’ll leave the picture sitting next to my computer (but only because you’re so pretty) (and nice) (and, also everything else).

Goodmorning my love. Have sweet days.

Bye bye.

(I remember when I used to care about the watch I wearing, in elementary it was one of those cool electronic ones you could keep your friends phone numbers in (I only really had acquaintances in there) and it was a calculator too. And then middle school came the Swiss watch.

And now my cell.)