Follow-up.

I’m sorry. For the outburst.

I just get so depressed. I hit myself just now. I haven’t hit myself since summer, and it really hurt this time (probably because I’m sick and all I did was slam my hands together on my skull a few times, Smart, I know).

I called you and your grandma picked up and I said wrong number and hung up.

She probably knows it was me. I didn’t try and conceal my voice, and I knew that someone else would probably answer, but I didn’t try for some reason.

Mike called at 1:10, I’m guess that’s the time you got off. I’m always mad when he calls after you’re on the phone ‘cause I assume your going to call and he’s blocking it.

You guys probably hit it off. You probably were tired. (Like you are with me.)

I’m depressed Jenn. I don’t know what to do can you tell me. Can You Please.

I am begging. (I am begging.)

I’m also writing well because I watched part of “You’ve Got Mail” (not only a great soundtrack, a great movie as well) I have no talent.

I can’t do anything. I’m gonna be nothing. I wish I could be with you because you make me something and you’re safe and

You’re Here.

I wish I could be with you.

I’m so scared. I wish you would call. I’m so lonely. I wish I could be happy, alone.

I used to be able to, until I met you. (Ignorance can be bliss.)

My head hurts (from, you know) and I’m tearing (up).

(From you.)

Well I hope, God, I wanna be with you so much. Why Mike? Why does this have to happen why can’t I

(Just stop asking questions, Jon. There is no point.)

(Thank you.)

I love you so much. For a while, I’ll be honest with you, I liked more the idea of you, over you.

(That was, heh, actually the night before Matrix, the night of the letter. Huh.)

But now it’s you. We have something and you know it. And You Know It.

I’m sorry I throw so much trouble into this, but, and this is a quote from “You’ve Got Mail”:

“You’re at war. It’s not personal it’s business. It’s not Personal. It’s Business. Recite that to yourself every time you feel you’re losing your nerve. I know you worry about being brave. Don’t. This is your chance. Fight. Fight to the death.”

(That was Tom Hanks’ character IMing Meg Ryan’s character about how to handle a hostile takeover. And because of that I think:)

What was I thinking by being the nice guy? I mean obviously it’s who I am but this is love. All’s fair in love and war. Why couldn’t I repeat that instead of “Just keep hurting yourself.”

Right now, being this…depressed. I’m thinking “Mike doesn’t deserve to be that happy.”

Am I horrible? Am I me?

Should I stop fighting Jenn? I need you to tell me. (That’s why I put a question mark on that question.)

I don’t want to.

I need you to fight for me, honestly. Fight for me honestly, you see, and then…well, never mind. I don’t even know what I want to say really. Just that I needed to fill the whole page. And that I’m okay if you don’t have an answer.