Jenn.

So I left your house hating myself, I drove out of your neighborhood, made a U-turn at the light, made another U-turn, and pulled into the RTG (or was it factory outlet) parking lot.

I sat there. I wrote you a letter on Sarah’s envelope (from when she was in NYC). It was well written.

And I waited. It had been 10 minutes and I had seriously expected Mike to be gone now.

But I was getting mad at myself for just sitting there, waiting for your call (I was going to give you the letter when you did), so I left the parking lot.

And went straight to the parking lot closest to your house.

I was going to sit there until he left, and then I realized, I don’t know who I am. I know I want to be a movie character, but who the hell is that? And if so, if I am nothing: This Is Not How I Want To Be.

I am not Jaron. I am not Kyle. I am Jon. I don’t know who I am right now. But I am Jon. And I get obsessive, and you didn’t send him home. I wanted you to, and, you didn’t.

I guess, you know, if this were me, you, and Teddy, I guess that’s why this makes me angry: I know I would stop flirting with that bear at the drop of a hat. (At the drop of your eyes.)

But, again I think, I probably wouldn’t be attracted to her. She’d just be a girl to flirt with.

And I guess Mike isn’t that, and that’s what I have to figure out.

If this, if how I was tonight (I was nothing, I was nobody) makes you stop liking me, stop loving me.

Then okay. I accept that, this is who I am. And if…No One can take that…then okay. Okay, fine, you know, I am who I am and if girls don’t like me because of it, if they like Mike.

Well, I can’t really change myself for someone. It wouldn’t be Me. Would it? (I’m smiling for a second now.)

I love you. I’m sorry if you don’t like this now. If I’m unattractive, but I just wanna love you.

And when Mike’s around, I feel like I can’t.

Is that simple enough for you? Well, at least I’m clear-cut.

I hope that me acting like this tonight didn’t cement your decision of Me.

P.S. When I came back from my car, and Mike and I looked at each other, and stared, I looked at you and looked at you smiling.

I smiled, remember?

At first I thought you were happy that , you know.

Well, I smile too Jenn. And I never told you.

Please don’t be mad at me. Please call.