cry.

I’m not really sure what to say about my little life. I have this boyfriend who I’m in love with. He makes me so happy sometimes I think it’s all just a dream. I have these best friends that I adore and they make me laugh and realize that everything’s going to be okay, even when I don’t think it can be. Sometimes I feel like crying out of happiness, but thanks to Wellbutrin blocking my tear ducts, crying’s kind of hard.

I rarely ever cry anymore. Which is a welcome change from crying all the damn time. But it still felt good to get it all out. The last time I cried was a week ago at the funeral. I haven’t cried like that in months. The tears poured down my face like rain water as I watched my uncle so cold and stiff in the casket. He was a very good man, and I have some fond memories of him. I hope his soul is peaceful.

Sometimes I want to cry while I’m kissing Cory because I know it’s all going to be over in a couple of months. I know that in August or September, I’ll have to say goodbye. Tech is only an hour and a half away, but he and I both have agreed how hard it is to only see your significant other once or twice a week. It really hurts to think that he’s going to break up with me because of distance.

Ah, now here come the tears. A small part of me thinks it could work, if he really, really loved me. If we’re as in love as I think we are, there’s that voice that’s telling me to talk to him, to tell him that maybe we could do this. I try not to worry about it now, but it’s hard. It’s not ever when we’re together, except when we kiss or hug, because then I don’t want to stop; it’s mostly when I’m sitting by myself, looking out a window and realizing that the best thing I’ve found in my 17 years is going to leave me soon.

And I know he’s scared to, because he’s told me that he’s finally found a reason to stay in Shreveport, and now he’s got to leave. The selfish part of me was wishing he wouldn’t get into Tech. But for the most part, I’m really happy for him. Some people get into college and get to leave this shitty town. Some people are ready to leave this town. I, however, am not. I’m not ready to leave my friends, my family, my house, my job. I’m just not ready.

That’s okay, too. My life, right now, is okay. My boyfriend is wonderful. My friends make me want to shower them with affection and adoration. My family is so supportive and amazing. My life, for the most part, is vastly different from the life I led a year ago.

A year ago, I was still with Mike and by this point, heavy into drugs. Why? Well, there was nothing else to do. And people knew about it. Someone walked up to Cory at school a few weeks ago and asked, “Aren’t you dating Katee Fontane?” When he said yes, they said, “You know she used to be a cokehead, right?” And he said, and I love him for this, “You know I used to be a heroin addict, right?” Mwahahaha. It’s nice to have someone stand up for me for once.

At this point last year, I’d broken up with Jordan. I would say possibly the worst mistake of my life, but you know, I would’ve never been with Cory if I was still with Jordan. It was still so incredibly hard to get over J. I was so sure, all my middle school and half my high school years, that it was going to work out, that we were going to make it, that we were going to get married. And now all I can think is, “What the hell was the point of all that? Why did we meet? Was it just to hurt each other?”

I always mean to ask Jordan what he thinks when I’m talking to him, but we’re usually laughing about something or are serious conversation about something and I never think to bring it up. Everyday when I’d come home from school, Jordan was, pardon the cliché, an oasis in the desert. He was my savior. I’d talk to him and everything would be all good. But Jesus, I fucked him over badly. I have no bigger regret than what I did to him. He was everything to me, and I hurt him so badly.

I still cry about that sometimes, too.

Crying is such a release for me. It’s better than cutting and drugs, I guess because it releases all those endorphins and shit. I don’t know what the point of all this was. I’m just kind of tired and hungry and wanting something salty because of the birth control and it’s side effects of cravings. Goodnight, everyone.