I am the lone warrior.

Darkness is a funny thing. I see it almost as a shield at times. I used it for the longest time to keep people away. To protect myself from potential harm, as I was so effective at mentally harming myself.

I know my strategy for the next sixteen weeks, I do. Yet it feels almost.. easier to view it as an uphill battle, something to endure, something to struggle against, than as something that I will do with ease. Because… I don’t know. I’m trying to justify the darkness, when in reality it’s just my mood.

It’s strange because I’m actually in a good mood.

Happy darkness. The lone warrior cloaked in a mist, and just as he turns, you can see the glimmer in his eye as he smiles. Call it social anxiety, but the Lone Warrior motif has been prominent lately. Despite all the fullness of my life, I still feel lonely a lot of the time. It’s never quite escaped me. Alone, I don’t feel. But, as we know, being alone, and loneliness, are not the same thing. It’s…

When the expectations are put on hold. When the need to struggle lets up for just a moment. When you have that moment to breath. When you finally gain the respite you deserve. You finally let go and stop forcing the brightness and embrace the darkness. Because it feels comfortable. Because it feels easy. Because it feels like me. I’ll play the game, I’ll dance the dance, but deep down, I feel the brooding.

I don’t really give a fuck if you think I’m a dick, if you deserve it. I wonder how much of my lack of social tact is completely on purpose. Just fuck social conventions altogether. I’m so tired of seeing the fake smiles on people. What’s that phrase, “I wear my heart on my sleeve.” I can play the game, as I like to say. But it’s with a very knowing grin. This facade, this fantasy, I don’t want it.

And sometimes I wonder if I escaped the madness at all.