The calm.

The hardest lesson is that sadness is not permanent. If I go long enough without a bout of sadness, I just can’t appreciate things as much. As the phrase, sometimes I just miss the comfort in being sad – even if I hate every minute.

And then the moment I feel myself coming out of it. Every time, it’s like Rocky entering the sixteenth round. Head full of sweat and determination not only to last One More Round, but to go for the knockout as in Rocky II.

Sadness reminds me of what I don’t want.

Which then reminds me of what I DO want.

And if I were happy constantly, why would there ever be a reason to question? It’s a burden to deal with a constantly running interior monologue, but I must deal with it as a blessing of intellect, not a curse of the aware.

I can feel the Aura rising again, like I haven’t felt in years. I know it’s partly from telling Elissa about the way I used to be. But I have the kind of confidence I just didn’t have in those days. And if I have no alternative but to succeed, I summon the strength to do so.

It’s why I tend to have such shitty days off. There’s no imperative at all to do anything.

I can feel it coming back again, like a roll of thunder chasing the wind. (Name that song.) And like a thousand other commanders on a thousand other battlefields, I wait for the dawn.