Timmy Manifesto X

It’s something so obvious, I’m really surprised I haven’t explicitly written it out. Of how I’ve learned to trust my intuition. This isn’t to say everybody has an intuition worth following. Some people can’t get through the muddle of their mind to what will really make them happy. Somewhere along the line, I just found a zen, and can sometimes be completely and utterly in tune with myself.

This goes back to my rebirth back in 2004. If I ever tried to write about myself, what were the entries like? Again the word muddle, but yes, a muddle of thought, of emotions. An expression of confusion and misunderstanding. I have a good context for all of that. Trying to use logic to make sense of emotions. There can be very simple emotional explanations for how we feel, that do not require actual rationalization.

Like when your brain runs out on a tangent. Easiest example I can think of is the insecurities that arise when we discover we’re into someone. We’ve all done it. One moment, we’re thinking, “I’m so enamored!” Then the next we’re wondering, “I wonder if they secretly hate me.” Your mind runs and races all over the place and you’re trying to convince yourself otherwise. All those thoughts can be just shoved out of mind if you remember the reason for the emotional seed: You just want your feelings validated. Or maybe you just have abandonment issues. Or maybe there’s something that was said or done that you can’t reconcile until you have direct communication. Point being, the actual thoughts are completely superfluous, it’s the underlying emotions that must be reckoned with.

Again, sorting through all of this isn’t easy. I don’t claim it is. I don’t think it’s something most people master in a lifetime. Many people go through life without ever being fully in touch with their emotions. Maybe that works for them, but I’m far, far too dynamic to just muddle through blindly.

It’s this matter of trying to use logic to overanalyze things. Out of fear that our emotions are wrong, or that we’re reading ourselves incorrectly. Feeling something incorrectly, does that even make sense, how is that possible? I’d argue that while we can make mistakes, sometimes those mistakes are just because we didn’t get to the underlying emotions involved. What’s the real dynamic at play?

I trust my intuition. It’s scary sometimes. I need to again reiterate how much of a logical person I used to be. They’re just feelings, sometimes without reason at all, how can I trust them? If you’re into psychology, sometimes you can figure out the reasons. But even then, overanalysis gets us wondering how something so stupid that happened years ago can cause us to do things now. The trick is to not think about it too hard.

I’ve just gotten these feelings all throughout my life. As a teen, I would ignore these feelings. I thought, “You’re crazy.” Yet, ever single time I ignored those feelings, they ended up being correct. Sometimes it’s a nuance about a situation. Sometimes it’s a big emotion that I was just in denial with facing. As per the phrase I love, the truth will set you free. If ever I feel like crap, it’s typically because I’m not facing up to whatever I’m feeling inside. Vast majority of the time, I’m aware of it. Sometimes I say to myself, “I’m not ready.” But ultimately, everything must be reckoned with, or it tears me apart.

It’s a really strange thing for me to talk about, really. Intuition is almost like blind faith. Really, I must be losing my edge as an atheist. It’s a self-trust that I will know if I’m doing something wrong. That’s right. I trust my sense of right and wrong. I trust my sense of knowing when I’m doing something unhealthy. I just need to listen, that’s all. I’m willing to walk blindly into the final frontier, trusting that I’ll be able to feel my way through. I trust my ability to improvise and deal with life as it happens..

Let me expound on that. The old me would overthink the FUCK out of simple tasks. Before I could start something, I needed to know the entire process. Maybe it was a fear that I couldn’t do something. Therefore I overcompensated by gathering information on whether I could do the task at all. Whereas now if there’s something I want to do, I’ll just start doing it and figure out the details later. One of my previous manifestos details the process of wanting to do something, deciding to do it, then doing it. I used to feel like there was some assembly in high school where everybody was told how to deal with life. I realize now “other people” are just more willing to muddle through without knowing what they’re doing, whereas I have to feel convinced of what I’m doing. I just trust that I’m good enough to deal with anything life throws at me.

I trust myself.

Now to the second part of this manifesto. It’s inspired by something Jessica Emsley said to me. “You could make friends, but you choose not to.” This is, word for word, something Cliff said to me years ago. When I think about it, I make excuses. I really do. I’ve worked really hard on my social anxiety, but I do tend to default to being a hermit. And it’s okay at times to be a hermit if that’s what I’m feeling.

I think I’m scared of putting myself out there. Le gasp, WHAT IF I GET REJECTED? Or worse, what if I socialize and it COMPLETELY SUCKS? The thing is, socializing isn’t an all-encompassing committment. If an occasion is truely terrible enough, I am within my rights to CEASE the occasion.

No, no, more than rejection. It’s… Okay, now I remember. It’s a matter of sharing myself. I keep thinking I need to be private. When in reality, the vast majority of myself can be shared and I’d still be electable to most government positions. I’m terrified of crossing the streams and someone finding out some terrible secret about myself. Thing is… Just about anybody that’s ever met me knows I’m not normal. My penchant for strangeness is no secret at all. What the fuck are people going to find out, that I secretly watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Fuck that, I’ll tell you straight-up that Sarah Michelle Gellar is hot.

Or maybe it’s a fear that I’ll end up befriending someone I just don’t like. It was a serious issue when I first went to Rutgers and could not make friends. Because, I shit you not, nobody was worth being friends with. Well, most of the people I bumped into. Three years in the dorm, and I made no friends that I’m in contact with to date. Concurrent with my intuition, if I feel like I want to be friends with someone, I should trust that. Trusting your life decisions to intuition is strangely less scary than trusting it with your taste in friends. Friends have unique thoughts and feelings! (Whereas your life is, of course, whatever your little heart desires.)

Anyway, I’m not quite sure how to say it. I just want to be more social. I’d swear I wrote once about showing those I care about that I do care. However, I don’t see it in my manifestos (or I’m blind), so I’ll just write it now. I’ve been more social in the past week than I have in the previous month. I’m happy when I’m busy. I know damn well that’s been the missing element, even through my entire relationship with Candi. I turned her into my only friend, attimes. There’s a lot of people in my life that I care about, one way or another.

I suppose it’s a fear that I won’t be able to keep up. That I’ll somehow spread myself too thin. That I’ll succumb to exhaustion and not be able to continue. Yet every time I raise expectations for myself, I end up finding a way. It’s okay to hermit now and then, I truely believe it is. But I want to do it all. I’m going to do what I only thought the slightly insane could do. I’m going to put myself through school. I’m going to stay awesome at my job. I’m going to keep hitting the gym. I’m going to play Everquest2. And I’m going to, for once in my life, have a slightly varied social life. But, then again, I suppose most highly intelligent people are slightly insane.

Everything will be fine. The beauty is that if I do reach that point of being run too thin, I’ll recognize how I’m feeling, use some italics, and do whatever it is I know will make me happy and achieve my goals. I trust myself.