On Candi.

Best vacation ever. That’s going to be the name of the next entry. I’m not sure how long it’s going to be. I know photographs are going to come later, there are a whole bunch. The story comes first while it’s all fresh in my head. BUT, before that…

After dropping Miss Emsley off at the airport, I dropped by Candi’s. As I’ll end up reiterating, I feel like an atrocious friend. I made plans to see Erik and Liz tomorrow, but… first, I wanted to see Candi.

I’ve sensed the undercurrent of sadness with her every time I talk to her. And by “talk to her”, I mean even though when we talk via IM. I’m that perceptive. Seeing her in person brings into focus just how well I know her. I know all her body language and everything she’s thinking and feeling, completely at a glance.

What we both want moving forward is to have a close friend who we can talk to about things. The very unique ex perspective. And if we’re going to do that, we have to share things. As far as how I feel about Miss Emsley and what happened, there’s only two ways it can go. Either she can handle it, or she can’t. The other option is to not share anything entirely, which isn’t what we want at all.

I shared that I felt something for Miss Emsley, as well as shared sexual intimacy. I sensed she was having the entirely predictable response for her. So I didn’t share any further intimate details. This is life. We are not a couple, and if we want to be close friends who share things, fuck, you have to share things! But if it hurts her, I’m not going to devulge things heartlessly.

She said she wants to be special as opposed to my other friends. She brought up the context of a friend hierachy. We all have one, whether we mean to or not. Some friends are better than others. Look, we aren’t dating. In fact, I’ve come to realize one of the major reasons I wanted to break up and stay broken up is the amount of emotional maintanence she requires. It’s draining when it’s your primary responsibility. She says she doesn’t want us to be back together, but she may not know what’s best for herself. That is, she may let herself be emotionally masochistic because she can’t let go.

I’m no hypocrite. I’m completely happy she has someone else in her life. Though, I still want her to fall in love. I want her to score more cock! If she were to call me and say she met someone really special, even after months of ignoring me, I’d be nothing but happy for her. After all, I give a shit about her.

What’s the rebound time for two and a half years? I’m arguably still rebounding. I know I’m okay. It’s really up to her and how she reacts that’s going to dictate how our friendship evolves.