Timmy Manifesto IX

I believe I’ve finally uncovered the final seal on myself. The last stone that remained unturned.

As I’ve expressed all semester, I’ve been taking a lot of pride in myself. This is a great thing! Last night I got an email from an old friend. I went looking through some old conversations of ours looking for a reference to an inside joke we shared. (Found it in the first one I checked.) The conversation in question happened to be from around April 2004. I was on the verge of failing all my classes, and I said to her, “I don’t care about grades.” I spouted some trite things about how your grades don’t define you as a person. You know how that line goes.

I’ve been thinking why I was this way. It is because I didn’t like to deal with stress. As I say a lot, I have an avoidant personality. In the choice between fight or flight, I flight. Sometimes I’ll get down to the wire with something and I’ll pull it out. Other times I’ll just give up. I’ve given up more times than I’d care to admit.

I’m not sure when my persona shifted. It’s been a slow growing experience at CCM. Learning how to study, trying to believe in myself. Seeing something that feels almost insurmountable. I get intimidated a lot. Hasn’t anybody else looked at course descriptions and thought, “I could never do that.”? Since I tend to be avoidant, if I have a lot of things I need to do, I end up feeling overwhelmed.

Maybe it was the last time I failed a class. I don’t remember saying to myself, “I’m tired of this shit, this can’t happen again.” But that’s what my actions said. I retook the class, did the hard work, and aced it. As much as last semester was a feeling out, I put the effort in. I overstudied.

Somewhere along the line, I started caring. I just decided, “I’m going to get an A.” Such a thought would have stressed the old me out to no end. If you had told me it would require hours and hours of studying, I would have gotten overwhelmed at the prospect. Instead, I just… did it. I’ve always known it would end up being this simple, but I also knew I needed the emotional fortitude to get it done. To have the resolve to get it done.

There will always be truths that need to be reckoned with. Those passive self-identifies that chastize us. To say, “Huh, I think I am this way? Well, I’m going to be the exact opposite now!” I noted in my eighth manifesto that I am now more concerned with what to do rather than what to be. If anybody’s living proof that your twenties are a time of self-growth, that’s me. I now have the power to execute anything I want to do. I have the power to decide what I want to do, and then do it. I am the one.

The motto “The truth will set you free” served me well for a long time. But I do believe I’ve stumbled across the next step. If I have to work long hours, so be it. If I have little spare time, so be it. If I have to do things that initially intimidate the hell out of me, so be it. If I have to ruffle some feathers of those I know, so be it. If I have to go into debt, so be it. I will do what it takes, by any means necessary.

Step One: Realize what you want to do. This isn’t easy. Some people many never know. This current path didn’t occur to me until last year.

Step Two: Decide to do it. It’s so obvious that some may never even think of it. You can passively wait for things to happen, or you can decide to MAKE things happen. I also think it’s implied that deciding to do it means you know HOW to do it. Plan, no plan, or sheer improvising, the resolve that you will accomplish your goal no matter what.

Step Three: Do it. But if you don’t decide to, you never will. And I don’t mean a half-assed “college try”. I mean putting everything you have, your entire essence into it. No excuses, no giving up. Be intimidated, but move past it. Be overwhelmed, but knock it down to size. Have the resolve to make it so, by any means necessary.

If it’s this simple, why didn’t I execute this ages ago when I needed it the most? The best answer I can think of is that I was afraid that I would try my hardest and still fail. So instead of trying, I gave up. I’d feel stressed, avoid thinking about what I needed to do, and then when I actually sat down to DO what I needed, it was “too late”.

Staying ahead of being overwhelmed has been key. Instead of slacking and putting things off, I’m bent on doing things in advance. Doing what is necessary to give me the best chance to succeed. Making phone calls. Talking to professors. Looking up polynomial division because I couldn’t remember offhand how to do it. After all, if something needs to be done at work, I get it done.

A great example is when I got interested in lifting. On top of the psychological switch of not identifying myself as “weak” anymore, there was the concurrent worry of, “Well, what if I put in all the effort and nothing happens?” What if I put in all the effort and still am not enough? Simple: I won’t know until I do it and find out. I’ll never be huge, but I’m noticeably bigger, stronger, and healthier than the pre-lifting me. I’ve reaped the fruits of my labor and dedication.

I think that covers most of the thoughts I have for this manifesto. I still have a road ahead of me. But I know that I can handle anything, even if it intimidates the hell out of me at first. I want my own little house with a pool, some kittens, and a gym in the garage. I want to finish my degree. I want do explore jobs that seem so far out of reach right now. And so I will, by any means necessary.