I insist I try to have unique entry titles.

I feel like I miss the comfort in being sad. It’s been such a long time that I’ve felt as such that I really can’t remember. So long that I enjoy it more than I used to. Maybe because I recognize it is extremely temporary. Maybe because it’s nice to feel.

I used to have so much to say, or so it felt. I used to post so much, constantly. Less a compulsion out of wanting to put new things up, more out of a need to write things down. I noticed recently that I haven’t written in my written journal in over a year. I felt extremely disturbed, to say a least. Early on, that pretty much served as THE record of my life. And if there’s nothing written, then what happened? Like that moment in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Gone. What happened? What have I done with the past year?

What am I doing, period?

Though, I suppose such uncertainty is completely logical. And inevitable in some ways. My goal for the past whatever had been to get a piece of paper. I got a two-year degree that I’ll probably never use, but I did it.

And so now where does that leave me? Is this about my lack of direction? Would make a lot of sense. Moods typically are in search of a reason, and not the other way around. It’s nice to kind of be on the outside in looking at myself, in some ways. I don’t feel trapped or imprisoned by my emotions anymore. I felt like that? Or, at least, in the sense of not being able to understand and deal with them. I’ve been remarkably emotionally quiet lately. I’ve noted consistently how my workout motivation has waned. Better lately, with a sense of reaching goals.

As far as my place in life, it could be a lot worse. From a critical judgemental point of view, I’m not doing that bad. I have a piece of paper, I have a job. I work a lot. I still find it funny that I’m a manager. I mean, when you demand to see a manager, you expectations of someone when you come out. I’ll never look at management the same way now that, well, I’m a part of it. We’re just people that make shit up as we go along to try and calm people down and send them on their way. We solve problems, but we aren’t magicians.

I just find it funny, that’s all. I don’t take myself that seriously, so the fact that anyone could consider me an “authority” makes me laugh. I’ve actually been joking with myself about a post-punk look. Those suits my grandpa wore in the 50’s look really awesome. Wouldn’t it be cool?

Nah, probably won’t happen, but it amuses me.

I do love amusing myself. I live for it.

The girl called me six times this evening trying to reach me. I forgot my cell phone at home. Whoops. Just not used to carrying the thing in my pocket. I feel bad. This is precisely the reason we got me one in the first place.

Of course, this is also the reason I never got one. I used to revel in being unreachable. Elusiveness doesn’t mean much when the only one trying to reach you is your own girlfriend. My bad.

While I was cleaning my room, I threw out a large chunk of Paige-related things. As much as I love to remember things, it simply had to be done. I can’t carry everything about the past with me. Besides, I lived through it. It’s quite imprinted in me. The details are.. just that. Perhaps I overestimate just how much the average person remembers about their life. I remember back when I was about making girl-related things all special.

Hrm.

There really is a sharp contrast between my attitude before and after her. Since Paige, I’ve taken on an attitude that I’m just trying to make connections with me. Candi and I have even talked about marriage – in that neither of us are interested in discussing it at this point. We don’t think we’re Always and Forever, but we want to be together right now. I think it’s an extremely healthy perspective. …:: smiles :: I love my girl. She’s my favorite girlfriend.

Hrm. I like saying hrm a lot when I type. Like annotating when I’m thinking. Hrm, hrm, hrm. In all the years past when I felt off, there was always a tinge of loneliness that went along with it. So right now, it’s nice knowing I’m totally getting some cuddles tomorrow. SCORE.

To quote Lost Skeleton of Cadavra, “I sleep now.” Goodbye.