Hell For Republicans.

Bill has just died. The circumstances aren’t important at this time. Exiting the mortal coil, he finds himself falling. There is darkness all around him, though there is a faint light below him. Falling further, he sees a rock wall around him. He feels it getting warmer. Now he can see a cavern below him. He lands.

He expects a post-moral death, but instead lands on a spring-loaded mattress, flips in the air, and lands upright on his feet. Before he can react, Satan slaps his fiery hand on his back, crisping his clothes slightly. His voice deep and commanding, he informs him,

“Welcome to Hell, Bill!”

He takes a moment to steady himself before he realizes what the Evil Overlord has informed him.

“…Hell? Hey, why the hell am I in hell?”

Satan crosses his arms across his muscular chest.

“You mean you don’t know?”

“..No! I’m a good person. I followed the bible, I’m nice to people. I thought I’d be fine!”

Satan nods.

“I see. Big G asked me a favor. Said he wanted me to give you a tour. I think by the time we’re done you’ll see why you’re here. This is just the loading bay. Follow this sidewalk and I’ll take you into my Kinky Dungeon of Pain.”

Bill’s scared out of his wits and doesn’t question Satan. Along the path are some men working on the sidewalk. They’re dressed in business suits, and look out of place fixing a sidewalk.

“See these men, Bill?”

“Yeah?”

“They’re here because they voted for tax cuts.”

“Tax cuts? I don’t see what that has to do with sidewalks.”

Satan glares at Bill.

“Did you vote for George Dubya Bush?”

“Y.. Yeah?”

“Why?”

“Well, he did offer to cut our taxes.”

“Bill, these men are here because they don’t understand that governments need money to function. If we don’t have taxes, who is going to pay to have these sidewalks fixed?”

“But we’re not anti-tax, we just…”

“Come along. This is nothing compared to what’s next.”

They continue walking. They reach a pair of doors at the foot of a rocky mountain. Satan turns to Bill.

“I call this the Crapotorium.”

He pushes the pair of doors open and what Bill’s eyes sees, he can not believe. As far as he can see, men and women are strapped to a crude toilet, crapping their brains. As Bill quickly notices, they don’t seem to ever stop crapping. He notices one pause for a moment. Maybe he’s done crapping?

“That one’s just constipated for the moment. Give him a second.”

His eyes bulging, his anus lets forth a spew of solid fecal matter that seems to be meter after meter long. It just never seems to end.

“Bill, can you guess what these people’s crimes are?”

“I.. I can’t guess!”

“Don’t be daft, man. They’re full of shit! Their minds are so obtuse that nothing can penetrate their thick skulls. Now for the really bad ones, the ones that perpetually spew verbal sewage, we have a special room for them.”

They cross to the right side of the Crapotorium and enter a smaller, but still sizable room. Bill witnesses men and women vomiting up meter after meter of fecal matter. Bill can’t take much more.

“God, this is disgusting.”

Satan gags a little, too.

“It is. Exceedingly. Let’s move on with our tour, it smells like poop in here.”

They exit the facility. As they walk, they pass a man with a wheelbarrow full of bullets. Satan explains,

“This one voted for a tax cut without realizing that the military budget needs funds. He’s also kind of a warmonger, though we have worse punishments for them, too.”

They enter a small classroom. Each person is strapped to a chair naked with their hands free, and legs open but not excessively spread. In the front of the classroom, a beautiful bosomly demoness is giving a lecture. She points to her screen, which just happens to be a graphic visual of a vulva.

“WHICH ONE OF YOU CLOSE-MINDED ASSHOLES CAN TELL ME WHAT THIS IS?”

All of the captive students dare not answer. She smacks her riding crop against the image, clearly emphasising the woman’s primary sexual pleasure organ.

“It’s the CLITORIS! THE CLITORIS IS THE PRIMARY SOURCE OF FEMALE SEXUAL PLEASURE! DO YOU EVEN KNOW THIS?”

Satan smiles.

“She loves her job.” He gestures to Bill. “These people are afraid of sexuality. So for all eternity they’re going to learn all about the very body parts they were too afraid to explore in life.”

Bill keeps his head down, uncomfortable.

“What, Bill? Can’t look? Don’t tell me you’re like them.”

“It’s… inappropriate..”

Satan laughs.

“I’ll show you inappropriate.”

He brings Bill to a series of security cameras. Bill glances at one. It appears to be watching a solitary room with a lone male who happens to have an exceedingly aggressive erection. Bill looks puzzled.

“I don’t understand.”

“These people believe masturbation is bad. They not only are afraid of masturbation, they taught their kids to feel shame from touching their sexual organs. Tsk, tsk. This one in particular believed masturbating would put him in hell. Funny how now that he’s in hell, he’s STILL afraid to masturbate, believing masturbation is what bought him here and will only wrought further consequences! So they will spend the rest of eternity perpetually in a state of severe arousal, with only the possibility of masturbation as a possible relief.”

There are more places, Satan brings Bill to. It begins to become a blur, not only of bizarre consequences, but of rational.

Satan and Bill find themselves behind a man chained to sit in a chair. In front of him is a one-way mirror to earth. In particular, the house of Jack and Donald. They recently moved in together. They adopted a little girl naked Kathryn. They pay their taxes. They mow their lawn. Oh, and they’re gay. Through the mirror, Jack and Donald can be seen quietly enjoying their life. They enjoy a private kiss in the comfort of their own home. The chained man screams.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Satan glances at Bill.

“How’s about them gays, Billy-boy?”

“They.. I.. It just makes me uncomfortable, okay? It’s not.. right…”

Satan shakes his head.

“It’s just not looking good for you, Bill. How would you feel sitting there, watching two ordinary gay people live out their lives?”

“I just don’t want to know about it, okay? Why can’t they keep to themselves and not flaunt it?”

Satan smacks him across the face, burning his face slightly.

“Wake up, you bigot! They’re in their own home, enjoying their lives!”

Bill looks at the floor. They move on.

They pass by a schizophrenic-looking man. He looks at Bill and screams, “TERRORIST! MUSLIM TERRORIST! THEY’RE EVERYWHERE!” He runs off as quickly as they walked into him.

Bill is confused.

“I’m not muslim.”

“That one was xenophobic. Won’t admit it, though. His punishment is believing that everybody is a nonwhite. For some, they envision everybody being black, or asian. Him, he saw you as a plain bearded, turbanned man.”
<BR>
Bill finally asks,

“This is all just so terrible. You’ve shown me all these places. Where is it I am to go? What atrocities do you think I’ve commited and need these bizarre tortures?”

Satan lets out a small laugh.

“Ha. I do hope to write your prescription for pain someday. As I said, Big G just wanted me to give you a tour. Goblins, finish him.”

Satan snaps his fingers. Out of nowhere, swarms of goblins appear and rush towards Bill. Before he knows it, they’re tearing at him, biting, clawing.

“AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!”

He feels them shaking him.

“AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!”

“Bill! Bill! I thought we’d lost you!”

Bill finds himself on his own couch, his wife having been shaking him by his shirt. It’ll be a moment before his senses return.

“Was I in the depths of hell?”

“No, silly, you were in a deep nap. It’s time to go!”

“Go? Oh. OH. Right.”

He’d begrudgingly agreed to go to their new neighbor’s housewarming party. Their new neighbors are black. His living room is shortly joined by his two children. His teenage daughter, he fears, is gay. His son has been masturbating furiously. And Bill did indeed vote for George Dubya Bush because of the promise of tax cuts.

His wife preemptively scolds him,

“Now Bill, you promised you wouldn’t make an ass out of yourself.”

He pauses.

“No dear… I think I’m done being full of shit.”