I am feeling.

I believe I’ve somehow gotten into a mental dialogue on the nature of self. Thinking to myself, “But if I want to be true to ‘myself’, then I have to know the nature of self!” Unlike Cliff, I tend to negate or ignore such questions unless I have a quick and easy-to-understand answer. To describe self as a collection of likes and dislikes, of a collection of past events, of emotions, hopes and dreams, as some sort of ongoing story; to describe self as any sort of definitive entity just doesn’t seem correct. I distinctly remember when I went through a period where I was trying to define myself, and it never made sense to use adjectives – that’s the basic idea I have in mind. Description of self tends to end up being too convoluted if you spend too much time on it. We are not absolute or perfect, we are changing, we can contradict if you compare different moments.

I believe I once said that to define oneself is to confine oneself to said definition. ..No, seriously, I’ve actually said that. It was years ago.

I think the context of this dialogue in my head started in thinking about how people connect with other people, and how Victoria and Cliff tend to be “guarded” about themselves. Which got me thinking about the way in which I, myself, am guarded. Which is not necessarily a bad or negative thing, it just is. Which lead me to think about whether it is dishonest of me to leave out certain information, or whether that’s even a big deal. What is it to share oneself? I tend not to believe that there is any sort of abstract “bond” or “love” between people, but rather two people both feeling things. (Naturally there can be emotions on only one side of a relationship.) What is it that causes these emotions of bondage?

(Yes. Bondage emotions. EMOTIONAL BONDAGE.)

Of course, at this point, I’m not so stubborn as to convolute myself. I remember the long entries I used to write on similar topics. I think I’m more content to accept the world as it is presented before me. The why doesn’t necessarily matter. For the example at hand, emotional bondage does occur. To deny it occurs is to create (a perspective of) a world that I frankly wouldn’t want to live in. If we create our own realities, why in the world would you want to deny yourself these things?

This is the world. It is not black and white. It is not perfect. It may not always make sense. To the eyes of those that crave order, they will try to box and categorize and otherwise create a language game involving the world. (Ludwig Wittgenstein claimed all the world is a language game. It’s become kind of a common retort of mine.) You don’t need to “justify” the existence of the world. You don’t need to understand everything. I consider myself just a guy trying to get along with the world around me. Maybe it’s the lack of a religious brainwashing as a child, but I don’t crave to know everything. My curiosity only goes so far, then I take a step back and say, “Well! Okay, I guess I don’t need to know everything.”

I got Cliff this afternoon. While quickly making my way down to his room, one of the little dogs bite the back of my right calf. I hate those little shits. Stung a little bit, but I’ll be fine. We relaxed for a period of time while he woke up. I had the suspicion that Victoria turned her phone off, so we dropped by her new place of residence.

(I know where she lives. Okay, that’s only funny to me.)

It took a little for her to hear the doorbell, I think. She wasn’t expecting me, of course. When she recognized me, she immediately gave me a squishy hug. :: smiles :: It’s nice to be happy to be seen. Far better than showing up at someone’s house and them being, “Oh, it’s you again.” Heh. We sat around talking for a bit, and then played Apples to Apples. It was amusing. I sensed she was glad that I dropped by. I know she’s been quite stressed lately with her moving and other things. I like making people happy.

After she showered and changed clothes, we went to Clay Oven to eat. I know she isn’t allergic to Indian food, so it was a safe choice. There was some good conversation between Victoria and Cliff. I find it very curious how Cliff’s probing style reminds me very much of Victoria’s probing style. Funny how we tend to befriend similar people. In some ways, they’re both VERY guarded people. Which of course leads me to think about how I’m guarded. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

We took Victoria grocery shopping. …But not before stopping off at my place and my dad making an ass out of himself again. Well, maybe not an ass, but just saying really weird things like he normally does and otherwise being a little too friendly with Victoria. That bothers me.

But yes, groceries. I observed Victoria’s shopping style. Tossing things in the cart. I suppose I’m OCD about how I put things in carts, on the belt, or even in a dishwasher. It makes things easier to have purposeful order! : D I merely observed, but didn’t tell her what to do. Having reminded her of her menstrual cycle, she bought some pads. Yes, I’m proud. Ha ha. Only I would remember when a girl doesn’t. She lamented about how she was boring us. I stated that I had to experience it once, if only to observe her. But that yes, on a regular basis, it would bore the shit out of me. She wanders. I go in knowing exactly what I want, buy it, and leave in an orderly fashion.

Victoria asked Cliff for a hug, which turned into a conversation itself. Victoria ultimately took his reluctance as no, as he had no specific desire for a hug. I discussed this with Cliff. He finds no value in a hug itself. What does a hug mean, he asks. I shared what I feel it means. Physical affection, among other things. Cliff took it to the extreme of trying to find the meaning of a hug in the entire universe, and ultimately finding it useless and pointless. Unfortunately, with that perspective, there’s no point in doing anything. That’s why I deny viewpoints like that. As I said earlier, if we create our own realities, why in the world would you create one that is not pleasing?

I said to Cliff that perhaps I don’t give my own viewpoint enough credit. Listening to other people speak, sometimes I feel like there’s something I’m not seeing. As if I’m not intelligent enough. For too many years, I felt like other people were better than me. This, of course, discounts the importance of the viewpoint that is mine. Yes. Let’s see where this goes, this viewpoint of mine. Don’t be afraid.

Ah, now I remember why it’s foolhardy to always share everything. People misunderstand things. We’re not always heard the way we understand ourselves. That can leave us rather vulnerable. Not to believe we should trust noone, but certainly a measure of self-preservation is required in this world.

It’s a gross oversimplification and I’m sure Cliff would be mildly insulted at this simplification, but all he wants is intimacy and human connection. He feels disconnected and alienated. This leaves him rather arrogent. “This world is imperfect, I could do so much better!” This is my perspective on him. His need for human connection isn’t that different from other people’s, but his viewpoint clouds his vision. He believes that the connection he seeks is impossible. Seeing a greater metaphor for his life, I told him that even if it’s a foolhardy endeavour, if it is what he really wants, he should seek it. He’ll either seek it out, or he’ll continue to exist in the quandary that he is in.

I remember when I felt like nobody could hear me. Though I don’t think I felt it nearly in the way Cliff does.

I don’t claim anybody will know me the way I know myself. Nor does anybody need to. What I know is that I’ve gleamed a lot of joy and satisfaction in the small connections I’ve made recently. (Recently, of course, is relative to the Girlfriend Theory of Time, where recent is only recent to the most previous girlfriend. For me, it is still Paige.) Why is it that we need to know the entirety of someone’s existence? We can very much have a satisfying bondage experience while only encountering one side of someone’s personality.

What is it I do? What’s my perspective? What is my theme? Lately I seem to be focusing on emotional honesty. Understanding what my emotions are, and then embracing whatever it is I’m feeling. It seems to make me far more satisfied and stable than whatever it was I was doing before.

Feelings. I trust myself far more than I used to. Cliff was saying how he always has a contingency plan. I said that I don’t, I just trust that I can deal with any situation presented before me.

I feel glad that I saw Victoria today. I feel worried about Cliff’s state of mind. My instinct on him is that he’s using all this talk about The World as a method of hiding from himself and his feelings. I feel that Cliff will find what he is looking for when he goes about looking for it, rather than resigning himself. I feel that Victoria, like Cliff, has been through things which she doesn’t outwardly talk about. I can put together bits and pieces because I’m smart, but some things I just haven’t felt it was right to ask about. I feel worried about the hockey game tomorrow, I’m hoping that, as a social event, it goes well.

And. I feel bad for saying something to her tonight. I don’t need to reiterate it, it’s emotionally relevant enough that I won’t forget. I understand why I feel bad and why I shouldn’t have said it, so I will tell her tomorrow. I feel full communication is an important part of trust and otherwise can lead to a higher bondage level.

All I have are my personal feelings. To run from them, to deny them, to hide from them is to hide from myself. Here I am, and I’m not afraid.