Ah, perspective.

I like having a sense of perspective. I like recognizing what I’ve done, and how I’ve progressed, how my state of mind has changed. I had that feeling last night talking to Loralei. We’ve been talking about dating, and in order to explain myself, I gave her a brief overview of every girl I’ve kissed. I find using the kiss delimiter simplifies things, rather than including crushes that never turned into anything. While I did have a relationship with Paige, I think I was effective in communicating that I’ve inadvertantly had a lot of flings over the years. She seemed surprised that it’s been over three years since I’ve held the title of Boyfriend.

I like thinking back about things. In terms of girls, it makes me realize, “Wow, you’ve met girls!” I mean, if you kiss girls, obviously you have to meet them first! When did this start happening? The first five kisses were rather spread apart. The most recent six have all been rather recent, relatively speaking. If I were to be like Cliff and separate my life into eras according to females, I kissed three girls pre-Paige, and have kissed seven girls post-Paige. (With Paige being the fourth kiss, of course.) Things have been rather fruitful since her, I suppose.

(Not that I mean to stamp numbers on girls’ foreheads, I just have a thing of never wanting to ever forget girls.)

I can see myself dating Loralei. I can see it being very stable and very fulfilling. I enjoy being around her. The way we socialize right now is pretty much how I normally am, I haven’t done anything out of the ordinary. She can give me attention. I like attention.

So I find it fascinating how scared I am. Well, not that I’m terrified. OMGZ, A GIRL. Thanks to multiple events I’ve been through (which I won’t cite individually), I’m scared of doing something simply for the sake of forcing myself through it. So to speak. I want to do things because I want to. I want it to feel right. What did I say to her?

“I’ve been so impulsive in my lifetime, sometimes forcing myself into things. I want it to feel just as right as when I kissed you.”

Hey, I’ve always considered myself a romantic. I’ve just been a little delusional in the head before.

She qualifies in my mind has having potential. I’ve never managed to go slow with a girl. And I like it this way. I tend to rush into things, afraid the opportunity will never come again, terrified of being alone. While I knew it wasn’t what I wanted, it was a trade-off I decided to make with myself. I knew I couldn’t wait for perfection, so I’d take what I could get.

Not that Loralei’s perfect, nor does she need to be perfect.

It’s such a funny question: What is dating? What does it mean to hold one of those titles? It’s social notice, to a degree. It’s also romantic. It feels like pressure to me. As if there’s something “expected” of me, even though I know it’s all in my head. It makes me feel like something unexpectedly bad will happen. If I focus in on that feeling, it’s probably just due to past circumstances. And I feel it’s unfair for those past circumstances to effect current events, in terms of comparisons or expectations.

I just want it to happen, basically. If it happens, it will be, and then I will use words to describe how things already are. I don’t like the idea of people holding titles and “acting” simply because of those titles. That’s too High School for me.

…And if it doesn’t happen. Meh. I’m just talking out loud.

Time to hit the gym. I volunteered for employment today, as I’m masochistic. After that, I’ll be socializing with Loralei. I’ve never been with a girl around this time of year, I hope to make some memories. Hey, what did I say? I have a sense of perspective.