This is my safe space.

Calm. I like being calm. A little uneasy about my paper, but that’s mostly over with. I hope.

I recall playing Rage and Mall of Whores (ahem, horror). Gordon tried to screw over TJ, but he failed. Ha ha. Was in the mood for Melee, but nobody was playing it in the TV lounge.

Victoria invited me to Paramus. She had in the past, but the timing wasn’t right. It was probably a good thing that she invited me the day-of, otherwise I would have thought about it and started creating expectations. I hate when I do that.

She’d told me she had “friends” in paramus, something like they’re her second family. Because her biological family blows goats. Those poor, poor goats. She’s also told me about a group therapy thingie. But apparently I wasn’t told these two entities in the same conversation, so I didn’t connect the two. Ha ha. Whoops, my bad.

Did my usual observing of structures. I mean. If I’m in a room, I like looking around to remember what everything looks like. The observer in me. It was pretty much a group therapy session. Victoria told me I didn’t need to say anything if I didn’t want to, but I still felt pretty uncomfortable. Less uncomfortable than I might have anticipated in such a situation, but still uncomfortable. That is not a space in which I feel comfortable expressing myself. I did not feel comfortable saying anything. So I didn’t.

I felt like a 12 year old surrounded by older people. I just wanted to be respectful. I took the opportunity to try and listen to people. Felt a little guilty because I was sleepy at first. Found it easier to hear Victoria because I have a context for what she was sharing.

I felt honored that she trusted me enough to bring me.

At one point, I don’t remember the context, but I was reminded of Sybok. Cliff would understand what I mean. Sybok was a vulcan who embraced emotion. He believed that by sharing our pain and facing it, we could gain strength from the sharing. In a nutshell. Kirk refused, considering it “brainwashing”. But, more importantly, “I don’t want my pain taken away, I need my pain.” He believed our pain is what makes us human. Many ways to interpret that, of course.

Our pain makes us who we are, yes. But our pain is merely what brought us here, removing it doesn’t mean we’ll stop being ourselves.

It’s nice to put myself out there, even if I didn’t say anything.

I care about Victoria. I do. Yeah, I keep an eye on the whole “my needs” thing. But I’m a caring person. And lately, I just want her to know I care. It’s such a simple thing, but it’s something I try to do for my friends. Even though I know Cliff and I express it in very covert ways. I care, damn it. I’d go as far as to say that I enjoy being trusted. Trusting is something very genuine and real that can’t be faked. I like that. Probably relates to how I like intimacy and deep/close relationships. In the same way, I enjoy caring about Loralei – I’m glad I can be a positive presence in her life.

I mentioned to Victoria that she’s been easily distracted lately. She’ll be talking to me, and if anybody else walks by, she’ll start talking to them. Gasp, communication. I don’t entirely hold it against her because she knows I’ll still be there. Funny how that works. It was nice just talking to her in her car.

I feel like I should be writing more, but I guess the emotional response from the evening wasn’t as profound as I anticipated. I feel just fine, actually, aside from school stress. I guess I was expecting to feel threatened. Maybe I did a little, but I was able to rationalize it. Maybe it was focusing on everybody else that helped. Even though I felt like I couldn’t really relate to most people. But that’s okay.

I just ate nearly 600 calories worth of solid mozzerella. Man, my intestines are going to hate me tomorrow unless I eat some all-bran or something. But oh-so-delicious. And the kicker is that I’m drinking moomilk.

I feel like socializing. Hrm. When did I start enjoying social interaction? Ha ha. I totally need to binge on Cliff over break. And hang out with Victoria and Loralei. The time is now, and I know that after today ends, it will be tomorrow. Er. I’ll shut up, now I’m just being ostentatious.

OH.

Yesterday, I described the Cheesy Beefy Melt as, “An amalgamation of other things on the menu. …I can’t believe I just said amalgamation.”

I rule.