Another Down Mood.

I’m brooding. I’m not even sure why anymore.

I woke up this morning and didn’t want to get out of bed. More than usual. I rolled over at least twice, even though I had slept enough. I just didn’t want to get up. It was a slow start.

I thought I had an online First Aid exam today. I did not. Instead, I did the online assignments, and took the online Exercise Physiology exam. Grade is not posted yet. I want to know my grade now!

Gaming Club shot the wind out of my sails. Instead of being relaxed and calm, I felt on-edge and very touchy. I felt more judgemental than usual, pondering over how I intensely dislike certain people. I sunk into my little shell, and got further annoyed when nobody noticed nor cared. Such a me thing to do. Is a little attention or a little affection that much to ask for? Is it that unreasonable?

I don’t like being the center of attention in front of other people, having people watch me. Makes me wonder if I’ll fail speech fundementals a second time next semester.

It’s really pretty now, snowy. I went outside without a jacket or hat and stood on the precipice overlooking the valley below. I thought, “Surely I’ll get cold – I’ll go inside when I get cold!” I, in fact, did not get cold. I’d say my hair kept my head warm. Upper body felt pretty good. Legs felt a little chilly. Maybe ten more minutes would have made a difference, not sure.

Having further removed myself, I tried talking to myself. Why am I brooding? Why am I feeling this way? Why can’t I feel good? Is this just negativity at work?

Is it just this paper, or is it more? I do not know. I kind of want to cry.

I quietly reminded myself that this will all come to pass, and I will eventually feel better, yet that wasn’t all that reassuring. After all, my future doesn’t feel so bright.

I didn’t get cold out there. Me being dramatic, I kind of got into it. Especially with my hair being down. I did, however, get hungry. So I ate. I find myself in the library now, with the knowledge that I should at least try. Being here is progress over being a home. But when it comes to revising this paper, I just don’t know what my plan of attack should be. I know any resubmission won’t be good enough. AH! That’s it. So simple. Not feeling good enough. Of course, my goal wasn’t to pass this paper, it was to try. Trying to write it in a way to please him would have just crippled me, and I would never have gotten started.

Gotta start the things you finish, after all. ; )

I do wish I was good enough. I mean. Able to write a paper that would meet the requirements. I can’t.

Hrm.

Victoria: “Are you writing your paper?”

Me: “No, I’m writing about how I feel like crap. But you’re making that very difficult.”

Ha ha.

Right. Paper. That girl’s lucky she can make me smile without much effort.