The Joy of Cuddles.

After posting the previous entry, I went into my student email, and loaded the doc my prof sent back to me. As I guess, there were things in the document I couldn’t see at home because I do not own Word™. It said briefly that I did not meet the guidelines for the paper, and that I have one week to resubmit.

Like a punch to the gut. Right when you think you’re in the clear, you get hit. I was all ready for it to be done and over and deal with whatever it is to be. But to realize I’ll have to struggle more?

My first thought was that this will be impossible. What if he doesn’t accept my second resubmit? My resources don’t go into enough detail. Fear, fear, fear, yet I never for a second considered just giving up.

So I did the first step. The step that’s always so hard. I had a copy of my paper on me. And I looked at it. I briefly started going through it.

When Victoria came within communications range, I told her I needed her, that I wanted to be held. After tending to something, she sat on my lap and held me. It was nice. I needed that so badly right then.

I ran into this kid Chris, who I think was also in my Kinesiology class. He’s a little annoying, but he’s otherwise okay. He told me about how he had to do a paper for Doto, and how he’s such a dick about papers. I felt better knowing I wasn’t the only one. I hate feeling alone in my emotions.

I couldn’t really work on my paper much beyond that. There was a lot of superficial socialization going on, and it really made me miss Cliff. I need to make an appointment with him. Moreover, I know he needs me.

I don’t know what happens now. I wasn’t really emotionally prepared to handle this. I suppose it’s back to basics, as always. Just take care of my basic needs and give myself the best chance to succeed. Beyond that, all I can do is struggle. I’ll know when it’s Go Time.

I hope I don’t make Victoria uncomfortable by telling her I love her. I don’t sense it. I don’t say it looking for anything in return. I just.. if anything were to happen to her or I, I’d want her to know. That goes for anybody else I care about. I try as much as possible not to hold back. This is my only life, and I can’t spend it being scared.

I’m worried about Loralei. I sense her cries for attention. More than just the typical “cries for attention”, but the way she wants attention, period. My instincts to reach out to her are growing stronger. I know my tendency to provide a venue to talk about her intimate thoughts is important to her. I know she trusts me, and I hope I can continue to be a calming, steadying presence.

I think a Thicket of Men™ will help calm me now.