Inner Discontent.

I feel a deep sadness, and I don’t know why. I’ve been calling it my “inner discontent”.

Gymming was good, for sure.

I can’t even really think of a trigger.

After class, I went by gaming club. And was promptly distracted by a group of people playing Smash Bros Melee on the big screen TV. I’ve always been intimidated by the people in that room playing video games. I’ve said to myself, “If they were playing Melee…” When I saw they were playing Melee, I immediately went inside and asked to play when a controller freed up.

Oh man. When they saw I was going to play as Peach, they said, “Oh shit, he’s playing as Peach, that means he knows what he’s doing.” I couldn’t gauge their skill level, so I was cautious. In other words, I played like Cliff. He runs away. And since these people don’t know me, they don’t know that I’m running away. Run away, let them attack, dodge, and look for a weakness. Plus, with four people, I tend to get tossed away. I just let people come to me, rather than going after people. My adreneline kicked in, and I started sweating perfusely.

Shit, that was exciting!

I wanted to win, so I could uh, make an impression? I don’t need to be The Best, but I don’t want to suck horribly. Ha ha.

(Yes, I won.)

And it was awesome.

We did a little tournament. I almost lost to a guy that wasn’t as good as I was, because in part BECAUSE he wasn’t that good. That sounds retarded, but I couldn’t predict what he was going to do. Second to last round, I ran into a Sheik, and got my ass handed to me. Seriously. I had absolutely no momentum at all. Cliff and Erik could definitely understand how I don’t do well against Sheik.

We did another tournament. Gordon was playing as Link and I lost. Oh well. That wasn’t as emasculating, I just don’t do well against swords. I didn’t have enough time to adapt my strate-ger-y.

I left the room for a moment to check up on Gaming Club. And my mood immediately dropped to that background of inner discontent and sadness. So I went back inside and enjoyed myself.

Victoria challenged me to a handstand push-up contest. Just one problem. I have no balance. She tried to teach me how to do a tripod. I used to be able to do them. She spotted me, and I felt really unbalanced. I hope she knows how much I trust her, because I know she won’t let me hurt myself.

Man, that’s something I’d like to work up to. But first, I should do some tripods in the gym to build some balance. And while it is isometric, I certainly felt that in my shoulders afterwards. AND I LIKED IT.

Maybe I could hook my feet on the Smith Machine and work up my elevation, doing push-ups. Perhaps something for another month.

Gave Loralei a head massage. Also gave Victoria a little neck and scalp massage.

Gaming Club. Joe and Mitesh were around. They were going to go with Victoria to Outback to eat. I don’t like anything at Outback, but I felt like I didn’t want to be alone. And. I wanted to see what the experience would be. Didn’t want to let it pass me by.

And I’m not kidding about the menu. There’s nothing at Outback that calls to me. I tried the steak once, and it was very underwhelming. I don’t feel like spending so much goddamn money on food I’m not that thrilled about. That’s why I like Macaroni Grill. Hate pasta. But I love the chicken parm.

Anyway, I just wanted social contact. Practice, if anything else. I didn’t really feel comfortable, and I felt like I had nothing to say. Mitesh, bless him, was asking me those questions that would have made me very uncomfortable if I was 17 and around people that I felt were smarter than me.

What am I passionate about? :: shrugs ::

What do I like in girls? :: shrugs ::

The fact that I had no answer used to bother me. Not so much anymore. Having an answer almost feels like you can’t change your mind about what you like. As if it defines you. I don’t know. At this point, I say I’m allowed to say that I’m still trying to find what it is I like.

Felt less condescended against, as opposed to years past. That pleased me. In my responses, I tried to be as respectful, and as non-confrontational as possible. Especially when I started inquiring about the nature of “energys”, and when he said I’m only experiencing myself from the neck up. I have absolutely no idea what he means by that. But that’s okay. I find a lot of people talk about the same things, but use different ways to express it. If it’s following your emotions, well, he doesn’t know me that well. Doing what feels right is the very basis for my living right now.

But no matter.

It mildly saddens me that I can’t get along with him. Well, more importantly, I have absolutely no idea how to interact with Joe. I’m not bothered at all when he and Victoria kiss. Which impresses me. I have no reaction. I see how happy they are. Just him, as a person, I don’t know how to interact with him.

During the dinner, I was reminded of how, when socializing with my friends years ago, I’d wonder whether I was even wanted there. Nothing something I felt at this time, just something I was reminded of. Though. I did very much feel like an outsider. I suppose that’s to be expected. Now I know how Liz felt when she first met us. ..I’m really critical of Liz, but I do love her.

By the way, I like fat chicks, hairy armpits, and I’m passionate about foreskins and cunnilingus. Whatever man. I don’t have to explain myself to anybody. : D Even in typing that, I want to disclaimer that I pulled that out of my ass as the first thing that came to mind, and that my preferences are not limited to that. I wonder why I fear being misinterpretted. One of my old habits in my writings was to spend half of my entries talking about what I wasn’t trying to say, rather than just saying shit and not apologizing at all.

Curious, indeed.

I think tomorrow will be better. I tend to feel better after I accomplish something. Tomorrow is the day I have to do shit, whether I feel like it or not. It’ll be Go Time.

May the way of the hero lead to the Triforce.