The Missing Piece.

I remember when my mind was so chaotic, swirling with emotions. It was really hard to nail anything down, or really know what emotions were referring to. I would emote, and everything would come out so powerfully.

I feel calm, as usual. I’m mostly in balance, except for one thing. The one emotion that doesn’t leave me often. Do I even bother writing it down? Yet I know I’d rather not start lying to myself or hiding things.

I’m lonely.

When I’m at employment, I do employee related things, and don’t really think about anything outside of there. And when I leave the employment area, it doesn’t really cross my mind much. When I’m at the gym, I lift. I generally don’t think of much outside of lifting. And while I do recall a time when lifting was overrunning my life, I think about it a lot less now. In a way, it makes it more enjoyable. When I’m at school, I do school. And I generally don’t think about school outside of school. Balance.

I make sure to see Cliff once a week. Sometimes we talk about stuff. Sometimes not. Sometimes both. I shared some things on Saturday, and then we Smashed with Anthony. We had some epic cave battles, with Cliff playing as Brown Eye Bowser. :: shakes head :: I had an epic battle against Anthony. He was Link, and I was Doctor Mario. I goaded him into chasing me. I just ran around the screen, dodging like crazy and doing minimal damage to him. I was losing for a while, but I knew it would pay off. When he got down to one life, same as me, I went for the kill. Man that was fun.

I also got some bawls. Man, bawls are tasty.

Employment provides superficial socialization, as does Gaming Club. I’m sleeping, I’m eating as best I can. I take care of basic hygiene. I’m very sure I get my zone-out time. I’m expressing my emotions. I’m wanking. Oh man, the wanking two weeks ago was awesome. If only I could find a pattern to it.

Basically, I’m doing great. These are all things I’ve done of my own volition. I’m pretty emotionally stable, handling little things very well. I’m feeling very calm and in control most of the time.

But.

When I’m not schooling, when I’m not being employed, when I’m not sleeping, when I’m not eating, when I’m not gyming, when I’m not showering, when I’m not zoning out, when I’m not socializing, when I’m not completely on the go… I feel lonely. It’s not like there’s a dark cloud constantly over my head. Not at all. It just seems to me that there aren’t any other big pieces missing.

It’s occurred to me that maybe it’s a problem of self-love. Do I not love myself enough? Yet, I think the desire for female companionship is a very valid one. I can’t say I’m looking for anybody to fix me or complete me. I used to be afraid of the reaction that “You know, girls won’t solve your problems”, but I know better now. There’s no shame in admitting you’re lonely.

I find the dark night sky strangely comforting. I don’t know why. I prefer darkness to the light. Seems to help me think.

I’ve never had a stable relationship. Let’s not even argue over whether a “relationship” is even something I want. I’ve never had a stable relationship! I feel frustrated, and I feel like it’s unfair. Do I expect to find the person I might spend the rest of my days with? No. But what about someone for now? I feel like it’s unfair, damn it! What about me? What about me, goddamn it!?! While I may feel a little detached from the love around me, I know damn well that I deserve to be loved, that I’m worthy of love. I deserve to be appreciated!

I deserve to be appreciated.

When I was younger, I once promised myself I’d never get jaded. I don’t know why I thought this, but I sensed such despair regarding love and life. I wanted to never give up hope that I’d find what whatever it is I need, whatever it is I want. While I’ll never stop looking, I fear that I’m a bit jaded. While I ‘know’ I’ll eventually bump into someone, I feel like I won’t. I’ve been lonely for so long that it’s almost a part of my personality. I’m not sure what I mean by that.

Sigh. So much for making a small annotation. But when there’s nothing else to fixate on, I suppose that’s what happens.

Perhaps you distract yourself too much? I dunno. I went through my period of lonliness. It sucks. You’ll find yourself muddling through it for a while, but then one day, that litle twig inside of your bean-can just snaps, and things start to change because you allow them to change, and because you are actually making the effort to work at changing. By no means am I implying that you have been lazy. Quite the contrary. I get the impression that you’ve been swamped lately, and it’s interfering with people’s perceptions of you. Take time for yourself, don’t allow yourself to become discouraged, and if you’re lonely… for Pete’s sake, get out there and change it! You’re smart, and funny… and there’s a woman around you somewhere that probably appreciates it, but maybe you’ve made yourself a bit un-approachable??? *shrugs* Either way, you’re very conscious of your feelings…and that enables you to change things if you aren’t happy with them. Be proud of yourself for being able to realize these things about yourself, eh? LOL! Hang in there. It DOES get better.

i think the universe is waiting for the right time. right now, you have all of your focuses lined up. this is good. it means it’s the perfect time for a relationship to spring out of randomosity (i don’t know if that’s a word). imagine if your only focus was finding someone. you’d attack her with ALL your damn focus! i don’t think it’s a problem with you. i think a solution to loneliness is on its way to you, and if you wait for it, carrying on with your current focusi (there’s another one) then it’s more likely to happen. i sound crazy, but i might be right.

Sonflour

October 16, 2007

RYN: true, but I didn’t really do a full ab routine so I think it’s really that I didn’t work them hard enough. Even so I wont do them again till tomorrow or Thursday.

ryn: i’ve never met anyone by “putting myself out there”. they’ve always just showed up somehow. with bren, i was trying to get him to notice me for over a year, and when i finally gave up, he had me over for a booty call. yes, that was how this great marriage began, hehe.