Emotional Recoil.

I don’t think Victoria means to trigger things in me, but she always gets me thinking about things. It’s my way of answering things in an honest fashion. She said to me plainly,

“If you could change anything about the school, what would it be?”

I responded,

“I don’t know, I don’t really like school. I don’t even want to be here.”

Talk about a trigger. I had an emotional dip immediately following that, and I had things to do, so I traced it. I really don’t like college. Never have. Emotionally speaking, I’m in college because I feel like I have to be. I can contrive logical reasons, but that doesn’t change the feeling. I had to reaffirm to myself, “I chose to be here, I chose to do what I am doing now. I am in control of my own damn life.”

I’m aware that I’m running from the fact that I don’t think I’ll make it when I try to be independent. I’m aware that I don’t know what I’m going to do when I finish this degree. My interest in the field is purely for enjoyment, I don’t particularly want to work in the field.

Since I got this cold, I had a craving to hit up Panera. Not sure why. I figured I’d get some chicken and wild rice soup and half a frontega. You know, nothing complicated. I didn’t have lab today, and despite just having eaten, I decided it was perfect timing to go. I put my most recent paycheck in the bank and headed there. Between 3 and 4, I know Becky is always working. She’s been there forever. And she was. And I know Gladys would be there. And she was. And, ha ha, Nelson was there. Or, shall I say, Cassandra.

It seemed like good timing to go there. I haven’t actually eaten there since I stopped working there. It gave me the perspective to remember why I decided to GOTO county in the first place, for where I was two years ago. Has it been two years already? It has. I smiled to myself as I watched the staff move around. I worked there – I know how things are run. After I finished eating, I let myself sit and ponder my life. Not that I really got anywhere, but it seemed like a nice place to ponder. Oh, and I forgot how good the food was. You get desensitized when you eat there on your break meals constantly. Best job I ever had, bar none.

Before vacating, I had to get a chai with a shot of espresso. Sure, the chai is awesome, but. But I always get it with a shot of espresso. I remember how my GM would always ask me to make one for him, after I made it the first time. I also noted how all the prices went up. My god, that place is expensive. The only reason they survive is because the food is damn good. Hot drink in hand, I went to ShopRite to get some Orange Jews. I joked to myself how I used to work there, too. Thankfully, I don’t think of that every time I go there. Still, whenever I see people doing things, I usually know what they’re doing.

I also reminded myself to hit up Walgreens to find some airborne, as it has been recommended to me. Never heard of it before, but if someone managed to put it in wiki, might as well take a look. I noted that it has some fat-soluble vitamins (which are A, D, E and K), and I guessed most people wouldn’t think to have a fat-carrier for those vitamins. I’m serious, if you take that stuff on an empty stomach and have no fats around, you won’t absorb the vitamin A. I ended up getting a store-brand knock-off, because I know it’s the active ingredients that matter. It’s ultimately just a vitamin/mineral tablet that dissolves in water quickly. I also know to use cold water, because vitamin C denatures quickly. I swear, I learned so much from that nutrition class. Professor Amend, you are the man, even if you are batshitnuts.

My dad is back from Norway, which dissolved any thoughts of what I’d do if I really was on my own. (I get death fantasies, sometimes, involving people I know? I’m strange. I know after Cliff had his appendix out, I thought a lot of what I’d do without him.) I always think that I’ll be lonely when I live on my own, but uh. It’s nice not answering to anybody else. I do things at my own pace without being nagged. Like the tomato soup that boiled over on Sunday? I was so exhausted, that I took apart the stove and shoved various parts in the dishwasher, leaving the base of the stove to be scrubbed at a later date. If both my parents were around, I couldn’t do that. Ha ha.

Let’s see, what to do, what to do. I think I’ll smash bros now.