Emotional Inventory.

My zen-like calm this morning was broken at some point during the day. I don’t believe it was anything in particular. Nor am I feeling particularly bad. While feeling calm is great, I also have to make sure I don’t start repressing in the spirit of pretending everything is all right. So to ensure proper emotional functioning, I’ve been doing an emotiona inventory. There’s always something going on.

Employment is almost serving as zone-out time. Now that seems strange, considering how my mind is quite active doing this and that. But while I’m there, I don’t really contemplate anything outside of there. It’s a stress, as it should be, but it’s a good stress at times. It keeps me balanced.

Extremely excited about next phase in NROL. I really dig undulating periodization. I won’t see that same workout with that set/rep for two weeks. Two weeks! That keeps the mind fresh, while the body adapts to consistent exercise selection. So to speak. I may start really buying into full time off between routine changes. I know I didn’t take off enough time last winter, and I started feeling burned out prematurely, or otherwise feeling lack of motivation. If I’m going to keep hitting the gym with the kind of frequency I expect, in addition to everything in my life, I have to stay fresh.

Feeling a little lonely. It’s a bitch being an intimate-contact person. I did socialize with the Gaming Club (think board games) because I know superficial socialization does fill a certain void. (Victoria would be proud.) I feel uncomfortable with too many people around. I’ve considered whether I need to be the “center of attention”, but I don’t have enough evidence to support that. I just prefer to be quiet but engaged, as opposed to feeling like I’m on the outskirts.

I remember years ago when I felt insecure over whether my own friends liked my company. Now that’s insecurity.

I want to look like I lift. Ha ha. I don’t have enough pride in myself.

Prof posted info on the research paper for Exercise Physiology. Cue increase in heartrate. I can write, I can write well, but doing research is so ungodly painful for me for some reason. My biggest problem is finding a topic, and actually understanding what it is I’m supposed to be researching. I’ve somehow managed to avoid taking a research paper class in college.

(Actually, I took one. Twice. First time, that was the semester I failed all my classes. I couldn’t do the paper mostly because I could never pick a topic. I’m serious. Second time, that was the semester I left Rutgers.)

Prof wants a research paper proposal. If I’m smart, I’ll think of this as a way to get my shit straight on what it is I’m going to be doing. And I’ll hand it in early so I can get feedback and otherwise ask, “Okay, what the fuck am I doing?” I also may need to swallow my pride and head to the Writing Center. I’ve fallen apart in the past, and I just don’t want to fall apart this semester. Not over this.

The CPR class orientation is tomorrow. I was going to do the one today, but that was canceled. The only two left are during my chemistry lecture time. Shit I can do about it, really. I hope the whole “independent study” shit isn’t as painful as I assume it’s going to be. Fuck independent study, give me structure!

I suppose, if anything, I’ve felt a little thin for a moment or two today. Just basic worrying.

Though, it’s as if my mind is anticipating something bad happening. I haven’t sensed anything specific, so I can only assume it’s a smudge in my aura.

Anyway, sleep is the most important part of surviving. I have things to do in the morning.