Being Socially Retarded.

Cliff once told me that when he was a child, society rejected him. But that’s not what happened with me. I rejected society. Kids on a playground, kids in a student center, society, same thing.

It’s a good openning, at least.

I’m wondering why I’m so afraid of people. I recognize the emotion, sure. Is there anything I can do about it? Talking of me feeling judged quickly turns to me judging myself. I go through these topics so much that when I sort through my thoughts, it’s like stargazing – moving my focus away from familiar ideas until I finally see something I haven’t explored before. Even if it’s the sun I’m looking for, my mind is so ass-backwards that I HAVE to start far away.

I always perceive people as being hostile with me before I meet them. I don’t know why. Or thinking, “That person wouldn’t like me.” Or thinking, “I wouldn’t click with that person.” One thought I’ve had over the years is that I’m so intimate that it’s hard for me to just deal with being social on a superficial level. That because I wasn’t properly socialized as a child, I never learned how to interact with people on a superficial (but quite harmless and positive) level. I usually just shorthand it to, “I’m socially retarded.”

I can quickly shoot that down with me being too hard on myself, as I seem to socialize just fine once I relax. I love watching conversation evolve. If there’s a topic, you can restate what someone else said in a personal form.

“This class blows.”

“I also feel this class blows.”

Maybe you progress the conversation.

“This test was hard.”

“I hope the next test isn’t as hard.”

Or whatever.

Some people, if they’re too forward with me, I perceive it as a sign of aggression. Kid yesterday took my hat off my head. Excuse me? Do I know you? That was an improper invasion of personal space. I stood up, took my hat, and said, “Don’t fuck with me.” Which, in retrospect, was way too aggressive. Whoops?

Other people, my god, I just don’t like them! Is it me judging them to be not worth my time, or is it me observing the lack of social chemistry? Ha ha. Both. I am rather hard on people. What is it I say? NO HARD ONS.

If I’m sitting somewhere and someone sits across from me, I never speak to that person. I see other people do it, and I end up wondering, “How did you do that?” It just seems like so much effort to me. How much of that is simply because I don’t relax?

I don’t like hurting other people. I joke “I’m a dick” simply as a forewarning that I just don’t mesh too well with too many people. I joke “I’m a dick” because I don’t seem to like too many people. I joke “I’m a dick” almost as an apology. I’m not really a dick. I once came across the idea that I don’t like telling people I don’t like them. So if I never meet these people, I never have to tell them I don’t like them to make them GO AWAY.

Social interaction still feels like an uncomfortable leap for me. I’ve had so many times over the years where I forced myself to be social and I just wanted to run away. I made myself stay, thinking, “You should give these people a chance!” Nope, those people sucked and I catagorically avoided them. Some groups of people just irk me. Some individuals just irk me.

I don’t claim to know who I am anymore. I certainly don’t know my place in social interaction. Is that even something people know? Well, certainly something that will not keep me awake at night as I mull it over.

Yet the less I know, the less I hold to be static and concrete about myself, the more I let myself be fluid, the more I feel at peace with myself. What do I mean by that… Calm. Relaxed. In the moment, rather than afflicted with emotions. Not that emotions are always an affliction, but feeling moments of fear are definitely a distraction from enjoying the blunt social interaction at hand.

And of course, I also question whether this is even a problem. Most people do suck! Or, at the very least, I don’t mesh well with most people. Of course, logically, I should try to find more people.

My immediate feeling to that is that I’d be emotionally spread out. I’m a intimate person. I would always rather share myself as intimately as possible with a few people than superficially (again, don’t judge the term) with a lot of people.

Hrm. I don’t mind stopping to talk to Colleen because I know what she thinks of me. Wonder if there’s any relevance to that.

Ah, mental vomit.

I haven’t a solution nor a proper framework. All I know is my loneliness is usually self-imposed.