I have to play my game.

My mind wanders when I lay in bed. No melatonin tonight, so it’s not a quick drop. Melatonin just seems to zap my daydreaming and I go right to sleep. Sans melatonin, I find I have to consciously not think. Funny eh? “Don’t think. SHIT, I THOUGHT ABOUT NOT THINKING.”

Working in retail can’t help but remind me of Melissa. Yeah, she comes to mind now and then. I remember feeling at the time just how much I needed something like that to happen with her. It felt so freeing. I was still in the wake of Paige and all the seriousness that came with it. Melissa gave me hugs and butterflies on a regular basis. I knew damn well at the time part of the reason I got so many good feelings out of it was because we rarely had a chance to fully express it. And fittingly, after I stopped working at Panera, the spark faded. I remember seeing her at county a few times, and she didn’t act towards me the same. Nonetheless…

I find that if I’m ever attracted to a girl, and I “try” to make something happen, it doesn’t. I find that if something’s going to happen, I end up noticing it almost after the fact. Like reflecting, “Wait a minute.” Then I realize something already has happened, and that a female potentially likes me. I want to say Melissa felt “organic”. I remember how it began. The counters at Panera are tight, so whenever we’d pass by each other, sometimes we’d touch the side of the person at register. I noticed Melissa doing it to me, so I reflexively started doing it to her. I don’t fully have this documented, because it was such an innocent thing. I bet it started as a light touch, moving to a full palm. :: smiles :: I have no idea how we started pinching each other’s asses.

For a skinny chick, she had a nice butt. Of course, this was before I fully embraced my love of rumps. Where was I?

She was a fantastic kisser. That’s what I always say about her, because it’s damn true. We only had one really good make-out session, the rest smattered about fleeting moments, but damn, what I’d give to make out with a girl like that again. You can’t create that kind of spark out of nothing.

I remember the first thing she said to me. “Good morning, sleepyhead.” It was during my first few weeks of working, and the first week of me being shifted to morning crew. I forgot to set my alarm. It was the only time I was significantly late. I was due in at 7AM, and Melissa had openned. To ask who was attracted to who first is a silly question. As I’ve said, these things just happen. If two people are going to be into each other, it’ll happen.

Though.

It makes me wonder. I’m a genuine person. Everything I do is with meaning and purpose. Is it possible to fake these things? I mean, the gentle flirtatious things that I’m only mildly aware of. What’s that phrase, guys can fake entire relationships? Physical affection means something to me. I’m weird like that, or so I’m sure I’d be told. Or maybe it’s because I tend to be physically conservative. I don’t like most people touching me. I’m typically too terrified to hug my own friends. I’m sure if I just “played the game”, I could attract more girls, but it wouldn’t feel right, it wouldn’t be right, and it certainly wouldn’t be me.

My instincts have gotten better over the years. I can read situations a lot faster than I used to. Maybe it’s just experience and recognizing what I’ve seen before, or whether it’s having a better handle on my own emotions, who knows.

I miss hugs and cuddles. I miss girl. I remind myself of how these things happen. They happen – just keep my eyes open to make sure I don’t miss it.