On Pornographic Insecurity.
This is, of course, a generalization of observations. There are always exceptions and extenuating circumstances which I acknowledge.
It puzzles me whenever females become insecure because their partner is interested in pornography. This is, more often than not, an expression of insecurity because they feel they are not attractive enough to their partner. But why? Why would pornography make anybody insecure? Typically there’s two things at play. One, there isn’t enough sex in the relationship. And two, there isn’t enough cuddletime. The female concludes that if she eliminates the pornography, her partner will pay more attention to her.
Problem is, that’s just manipulation. Most of us hate being told to do, let alone being told we “can’t” do something. Moreover, attacking the porn misses the point. Feeling undesired? Feeling unloved? Communicate, damn it! Explain, “Hey, fuck me more.” Explain, “Hey, you’re cold as a rock.” Not in blunt terms, of course, aggressive language will put anybody on the defensive.
Are there people addicted to pornography to the point of ignoring their partners? Without a doubt, and they puzzle me. I look at porn when I’m bored. Given the choice between badly acted porn and cuddling, the choice is clear. And given the choice between plastic women and men with bigger penises than me, and a woman who loves me and wants me inside her, you’d have to be a moron to turn down sex.
The point is that attacking pornography is usually as sign of something else which neither partner seems fully aware of. There are lots of factors, most stress-related, which can contribute to rising tension between partners. It makes more sense to sit down and communicate, rather than manipulate in the hopes you’ll get what you want.
And if someone is addicted to porn, that person needs support, not nagging.
I’m sure I’ll piss off someone, but oh well. Who would take advice from someone that’s had nothing but dysfunctional relationships? Then again, as such, I know how important communication is, and what happens when it goes down the drain. I’d hope to end up with a chick who could sit down and laugh at a porno with me. And then go make our own porn.
Addendum: I forgot to blatantly point out that I already do make my own porn. Ha ha. Any proverbial girlfriend will just have to deal with that. : D
I have no problem with porn. I like to watch it. I don’t mind if my significant other watches it. As long as I am still getting laid as much as I desire to, I don’t care how much porn is being watched. With my ex we even went to meet-n-greet type thing with a european porn star!
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I wouldn’t mind my partner looking at porn as long as we were both open about it. I wouldn’t want to stop my exchanging nude photos with friends or stop posting my nude photos in that LJ community… why should they have to give up porn then? My only problem with porn is how utterly fake it is. And grotesque too. I actually have a hard time believing porn can be pleasurable for some (most?)people. Maybe it’s because I have a vendetta against fake things… but because of the way I feel, I wouldn’t take my partner’s porn viewing too seriously. I mean honestly, how do I compare to a woman with fake boobs and an even faker moan? There IS no comparison. Of COURSE I’m better than her. lol I have to say though, if my partner were addicted to porn I would rather say adios than give them support. I think it takes a certain personality type to become addicted to porn… and thankfully I don’t think I’m attracted to that type. Oh gawd, I should shut up and end this note already
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if my boyfriend is paying more attention to a computer (or movie) than to me, than yeah. There’s a problem. But its probably with the relationship, and thus I wouldn’t continue said relationship.
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ryn: I thought I already assured I was >:(
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I think the near-incontinence scare happened because of my sleep changing. but kegels are a good thing for everyone. i mean, what man doesn’t love it when a woman knows how to work that 😉 i like this entry. it’s a good, balanced point of view to have about the whole issue and the only people who are going to get pissed about the entry are those to whom it applies. carry on! 🙂
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While I really and truly am with you on this one… I think that for a lot of women, porn isn’t just about insecurities. It’s about women being degraded. While I haven’t watched porn in quite some time, I can recall the general theme. Dumb woman with big fake tits gets it on with scary looking dude who likes to use terms such as “whore”, “cunt”, “bitch”, etc. She wants it SOOOOOOOOOO BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD, and ends up looking like a “hoebag” while dude is portrayed to be some kind of “hero” or “rock star”. And while I realize that there are a lot of different types of porn out there, the “traditional” porn is still pretty popular. I personally have no problem with porn. If Brad wanted to go watch some right now, that would be fine with me. All I’m saying is that sometimes a distaste for porn doesn’t necessarily spell out insecurity.
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Like you pointed out, it depends on the reason the person viewing it is viewing it. Do they not get turned on by me and need to view someone else naked to be able to get it on? In that case, that can cause mountains of problems. If viewing porn is just a way to mutually get ideas or add a layer to the excitement, then it can be fun. Personally, I don’t get too freaked about a boyfriend looking at porn. However, I have a few female friends that are so insecure that if they even suspect their boyfriends/husbands are viewing porn, they go ballistic. If the guy knows his wife/girlfriend has security issues, he should probably make an effort to hide it and not shove it in her face. It’s about knowing your partner and respecting what they can and cannot deal with. And in return, if you know that you need a partner that can handle your desire to view porn, then you should probably not date or marry someone that has those types of insecurity issues.
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There needs to be more men like you. And more women like me. I adore it when my man watches porn. It means I get the uber lovins. Not that I wouldn’t get them anyway; it’s fun to mix things up, though. I have a friend who gets incredibly insecure when her husband watches porn. I can’t understand it. Then again, I am rather arrogant.
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