I’m Screwed.

There’s that speech I didn’t give on Friday. I have that class again tomorrow. And I still have absolutely nothing. It’s supposed to be an informational speech where you use a visual aid. Aside from how visual aids make me think of a new disease, I really just don’t know what to do. The only reason I’m taking this damn speech class is because it’s required for my major. I’d prefer not to fail it and retake it.

I have a group project in Kinesiology, and a group project in my health class. For both, I really don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Find information? Huh? Why do I feel suddenly very dumb? I’ve been in college for five years, and I still don’t know how to do research. I have the studying thing down pat. But research papers stupidify me, getting up front of classes terrifies me, and dealing with other people makes me want to stab them.

I felt like utter crap for most of the day. People were exclaiming about the beautiful weather. It made me want to stab them. I was tired and angsty when I went to my evening spanish class. I passed the midterm – an ugly grade, but I’ll take it. I felt better as the class went on. Funny how I mellowed out as soon as the sun set.

Thus why I didn’t bother writing out my interior monologue earlier. It was pretty ugly. I knew I was just experiencing emotional flux, alternating between angry and sad. I was feeling like I wasn’t that far from that hole I was in three years ago. I tried reminding myself of how far I’ve come since then, but my mind was too negative.

I have absolutely no idea what I’m going to do. I’ll take it out on the weights in the morning. In the mean time, I’ll go put some meat in my mouth.