A Diary Reflection.

I post a lot. I mean shit, I post a LOT. I don’t mean to, I swear. You have no idea how often I resist posting. Yet I average three entries a day! (This is why I think NaJoMo is a joke.) It felt like I used to post a lot, yet now I post EVEN MORE. Sure, exerbabbles inflate it a little, as that’s a guarenteed three to four posts a week. But still.

I was looking at posts from two years ago, as it’s coming up on two years since I hit rock bottom. I had pretty much the same reaction Darcey did when she went through them. “Okay, but YOU NEVER STATED WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.” :: smirks :: Even I’ll admit that. It’s.. curious. It’s fascinating to read my own stuff, because I have a relatively bad memory. So it’s awesome to see the things that came out of my own mind. Hatred is what protects a wounded heart, I wrote in one entry. I said that? I said that? Wow.

I can see why my writing style was attractive. It always seemed like I was on about something. And due to my indirectness, I keep reading wondering if I’ll actually SAY what happened, or whether I’ll continue to be dramatic. Which wasn’t necessarily a bad thing at times. Hope requires us to reach beyond what we have.

Am I more direct now? I don’t know. I get kind of bored recounting daily events. I do try to keep in mind Key Points when writing more important entries, so I actually state the things that inspired the entry. Again, it’s frustrating to read my own entries. I write how I feel, which is, undoubtedly, how a lot of people write. Any intelligent person can read between the lines, but that’s just a layer I don’t want to have anymore. If I feel something, I’d like to directly refer back to the events that caused it, without making the reader guess.

Also coming up on the fifth anniversary of when I came to Open Diary. I came here looking for a place to store my writings. As the writings increase and the patience to read all of it decreases, that is ultimately the spirit I return to. Let it out, let it all out, it doesn’t matter if a soul never reads it. I don’t write the scathing political rants I used to, or the short giggly shit I used to, but when I do, I feel a little let down when it doesn’t get the noteage it used to. Isn’t that how we all feel? It’s the truth. And the truth will set you free. Hence my long-stancing DiaryTitle.

As my mind stabilizes and my emotions revolve around baseline, I have a lot less emotional things to write about. When I was struggling, when I was debugging, those writings seemed.. different, somehow. Isn’t it fascinating to watch someone as they evolve, as they struggle, as they raise their head in the face of whatever he or she is facing, regardless of whether that antagonist is internal or external? Maybe I should do a poll of how long people have been reading me or something. People come, people go, I’m used to it. Some people come back. Hi, Poptart!

So what am I writing about now? Am I not mentioning something? I think I’m on target – for now. A diary reflection. It will no doubt continue through the next month. It’s just that time of year for me.

As much as I admire my older writings, I simply wonder whether that style and power is still there. And if it is, I think it would be wonderful if I could actually avoid all the song and dance and get to the point. I can’t know. I never reread my writings immediately after I write them. I just kind of don’t? Most of the time. Typos and all, it gets posted.

I have to explain to people a lot how I was a slower reader when I was a kid, in explaining why I don’t like books. It’s very rare that I enjoy reading. In truth, even reading diary entries is hard for me. I can’t read that many people. If I note you compulsively, it’s because I care. Don’t feel bad, I can only keep up with so many people on that kind of level. (And don’t pull any OMGZ, Y0 NEVER NOTE ME.) For me, in my time on Open Diary, I’ve come to accept my place as the writer. For whatever it’s worth. I’m a bit too self-critical for my own good, but I just trust whenever I write something, whenever I have something to say, it comes out the way I want it to. It’s my understanding not everybody can achieve this.

That’s just the reason why I didn’t to the JoMoSchmoWhatever thing. It’s pointless for someone like moi.

bubbly

November 24, 2006

you are one of a kind of person. I like teh way you tell someone what u think i am adding u to my fav. much love bubbly

eucatastrophe.

I have been here five years on…yesterday, I think? Wow. Way to miss that one, Laura.OMG, TIMMEH, U NEVAR NOTE ME! /cryNaNo is much quieter without you messaging me. Sigh. I’ve got almost 3k for the day, though, if you care to know. =)Laura

this is why i love you

Heh, I rarely have a day that I don’t post at least once, I joined the nojomo thing for just that reason. I knew it was one thing I could succeed at and right now my internal life is putting me through hell and I needed one thing I could say I accomplished. 🙂 I’m with you on the writing for me thing. I don’t get many notes. I average 3-7 if I’m lucky. Makes it hard to be a note whore but ultimately I’m writing for me and getting out what needs to get out so it’s not festering within. Rose

ryn: *hug* My notewhore comment wasn’t directed at you. I know you read what you can when you can if you want to. I know that most of what I write is not entertaining or the sort of thing that interests you. I’m honored when you do stop by. And, even though I’m a notewhore, it’s not like I’m going to stop reading someone or noting them just because they don’t do so in kind. I’m kind of thesame way, I have people who note me that I rarely read because they just don’t write about things that are of interest to me, it just happens that way sometimes. 😉 Just like I have people I read and note religiously who have never left me a note and likely never will. 🙂 *hug* Rose

Had to share. Found this tonight: I want to share this story. I can’t make this stuff up. One day at work, I was in the hallway talking to a colleague about circumcision. You are familiar with this conversation – the health gains, societal standards, and religious laws associated with being snipped. The conversation was a bit one-sided since neither of us ourselves have an anteater. Atthe height of the conversation, another coworker, we will call him Jiminy Bonerpants, walked by. Jiminy is a 25 year old, college educated, married engineer from a Middle American state. So as Jiminy passed, we inquired as to the state of his foreskin. Very matter-of-factly, Jiminy replied no, he was not circumcised. Being the first person we had come upon who would admit to having a meat tulip, we were intrigued and my colleague started asking him some questions. These questions were about fundamental mechanics of operating an uncircumcised penis, i.e. sex, hygiene, etc. I am no doctor, but Jiminy’s answers did not make any sense. Physiologically, the answers did not add up. Upon further questioning involving some rudimentary diagrams, the following became clear: Jiminy Bonerpants

Jiminy Bonerpants was and is circumcised, but he did not know this. Where he got this idea, i cannot tell you, but somewhere in the last 25 years, Jiminy gained the impression that male circumsion involved removing the entire head from the penis. Logically, since he still retained his helmet, he sincerely believed that he was uncircumcised. We laughed at him, and then showed him some German porn to try to clear up his misconceptions. I struggled with whether or not I should tell anyone at work about this. Surely this would make him a laughing stock and severely damage his reputation. This struggle lasted approximately 10 minutes and within 2 hours, everyone at work was laughing at him. If you draw the emblem of the “cock-and-balls”, (if you are a guy you know what i am talking about), and square it off where the head is supposed to be, it looks like a cannon. Over the next month or so, cannons were being drawn up everywhere- on post-it notes and whiteboards, and being etched into tables. This lasted until management caught on and outlawed any graven images of the cannon. This story does not say much for the health education being administered in Midd

Middle America. As far as I am concerned, there is a minimum amount of operator knowledge that should be required for ownership of any equipment. If you own a car, you should at the least understand why it needs gas and how to check the oil. If you operate a washing machine, you should understand what most of the noises mean. If you own or ever operate a penis, you understand, at the least, how toput on a condom and what it means to be circumcised. Please pass this on. Knowledge is power.” The End. 🙂

Cassie

November 25, 2006

OMGSZ1!!!!!!!!!!!!11 BUT U NVA NOTE ME! Sorry… I had to. I was tempted!

What I Love The Most About OD, Is That You Are Free To Write In Whatever Way You See Fit. As Far As Noting, I Experience The Same Disappointment When I Write An Entry That Is Particularly Witty, And No One Notes It. I Think Its Because They Are Envious . . Lol!

goodgolly

I care too = )

Michelle Delia

I hope you upload your entries on a disk? Btw, may I ask how old you are?