Return of the Impossible Crush.

I don’t know quite what I’m going to say nor do I have any idea how this is going to come out. So I’ll just start talking and understand that I find this rather embarassing.

Why embarassing? I’m falling for a girl online again. Every time it’s a little different. I’m not going to lump every girl together. Every circumstance has been different. This time, it hurts my brain.

She lives in Australia.

What the fuck.

Seriously, what the fuck.

You can’t even accuse me of taking this seriously. Weeks ago, I caught myself feeling like I was crushing on her while I was talking to her. At the time, I thought it was innocent. Crushes always are. Feeling comfortable, I confided this. She said I’d be naive to think she wasn’t crushing on me. Okay, maybe I am sometime.

If you go down a list of relative ideals for what I want in a female, she fits it. Of course, sheer statistics mean nothing. As best I can describe it, she reminds me of how I felt when I met Elena. I know, huge taboo, comparing one female to another, but seriously. When I met Elena, I felt like she got me, she understood me. To this day I still feel that when I talk to Elena. That connection was affirmed when Elena and I met! That was no illusion!

But here’s the funny thing. She has a boyfriend who is JUST LIKE ME. Hell, in her intro comment to me, she said I looked like her boyfriend. Curly hair! Similar weight! HE EVEN HAS THE SAME PENIS SIZE. (Though, he’s intact.) I mean, shit, isn’t that funny as hell?

I’m not distraught, really. Years ago, maybe I would have been. I decided to take a different attitude: Hope. If someone this awesome lives in backwoods Australia, there HAS to be someone around here just waiting to run into me!

…She cares. Which is endearing. I forget that people actually reciprocate now and then. I envy Corrin, he’s a lucky bastard. So I tell her to lick his balls a lot. Hey, I can live vicariously, can I not? Not that it’s a problem, she loves balls, and we agree that girls who don’t like balls are strange indeed. I tell her not to worry about me, go live her life. I hate feeling trapped to IM, so I try to do the same. I have shit to do. So I do it.

It kind of amazes me. She’s been with an amazing fellow for three years, and she’s still able to feel for little ol` moi? That’s endearing.

Will it come to pass? I hope so. But, I get instincts about people. Elena and I don’t talk as frequently as we used, but we’re still friends. There’s that instant rapport. Crushes come and go, as they should, but I think I’ve met a decent human being. Ha ha. I love reading back on entries like this. I’m sure I’ll get a good laugh out of it. “Oh, that silly Timmy, how little he knew.”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll go sleep now with the same spoonage thoughts so many of us dare not admit out loud.

OH. And for those stalking me, her name is Amber. (And she’s beautiful.)