I feel good.

Spent most of the day writing. *points to bottom* Cranked out 6.3K. Not my highest output ever, but so far the highest of the month.

I’ve been reflecting on the past year or two. I SEEM a lot less emotional now. I’ve described it as the happy side of neutral.

Yet, I’m happy. It’s a lot easier to write about emotional things when there’s a confusing circumstance. Perhaps a lot of emotion is just reaction. And if you’re stable, there isn’t much emotional reaction. You’re just.. baseline happy. Assuming your baseline is happy. My baseline is higher than it used to be.

In retelling certain events, I’m gaining more perspective. I’ve been told I’ve been through a lot. Funny. I felt like I’d been through more back before I went through anything, even though I was in complete denial. But now that I can see everything, well, I’m emotionally clean. I have a clearer head than I’ve ever head. It’s much easier to deal with daily stress, the little shit, when you have all the big shit taken care of. It used to be that the smallest things would bother me, while I would completely ignore all the big-picture items.

It makes sense now. Though, I’m losing a lot of perspective of what it was like then. I wonder how the hell I held onto denial for so long without even realizing I was in denial. How blind could I have been? Yet so many are trapped in this. I know fear, I know being trapped in myself, I know feeling like everything doesn’t make sense.

Looking through my memories, I noticed something consistent. Alex telling me that she believed in me, and that she was proud of me. Which seemed absolutely asinine at the time, as I felt like total crap and didn’t see any progress whatsoever. Yet as time went on, she’s what kept me going. I didn’t want to let her down. Not so much fear of disappointing her, but… I didn’t want her to lose hope in me. Still relying on external affirmation, at the time. Sometimes, we just need to know someone loves us unconditionally. It’s not something everybody has. I need to tell her at this at some point, so she can know the full impact of that, so she can exploit it in other people.

It’s not late, just after midnight, but I’m really tired. I just wanted to post that… I’m happy. It’s important to annotate that now and then. It’s been a good semester, far better than a year ago. Good night, Open Diary.