Afternoon of 10-21-6

There’s a good chance staying up late last night and then being awoken by knocking my door this morning by my fucking dad have contributed to my current lack of energy. (Asshole. Fucking let me sleep, and stop teasing my friends when they sleep.) I skipped a Saturday working for the first time in a long time. It’s deadlift day, and I just don’t feel like I have the energy for it. You have to feel confident when you do it, and I just don’t have it right now. Or maybe that’s just the weekend dip talking.

Part me wants to just skip the next two weeks of this goddamn phase, as I don’t feel like I’m getting anything out of it. But the thing is, I don’t really want to work out. I think, “Just because it’s hard doesn’t mean you should give up.” I don’t think it’s a matter of difficulty. Except for snatch-grip deadlifts, the entire phase seems too easy. I barely break a sweat thanks to the insanely long rest periods. Part of me thinks moving on is bad, because I promised myself I’d “stick with it”. I hate when I make shitty promises like that to myself. Internal struggles are the worst.

I feel kind of bummed out, bored, and lonely. I socialized with Cliff and Liz last night? I just don’t have that many things to do in my spare time. Can I just sleep and wake up Monday morning feeling completely refreshed, happy, and ready to grab life by the testicles? And the ovaries, too, just to be sure? Pity ovaries don’t dangle so freely, not nearly as easy to grab. Grabbing a chick by the labia just doesn’t feel the same.

Yeah, I do just feel tired, more than usual. That’s another thing: I’ve lost my energy during this phase. Meh.

I suppose stress wouldn’t help the matter. And people wonder why we zone out playing video games so often.

On a random note, ever notice how stimulation-rich a grocery store is? I mean, from a child psychology standpoint. All these different colored objects, different shapes, all sorts of people walking around. Even as an adult, your eyes have to be darting everywhere, from people walking around (to avoid walking into them), to scanning shelves of food for what you want. Yeah, whenever I find myself staring off into space, I try to instead make myself aware of my surroundings. Keeps the mind a little more active.

…*sighs* Part of me worries if it’s bad that my interior monologue has seemingly dried up. It wasn’t that long ago I was full of ranting and raving. Desperation and depression, yet vigor. I wonder whether with the calming of the mind, there’s no need to be quite as emotional as I was. It’s silly to think emotions just go away once they’re stable, on the contrary, they should still be there. Perhaps I’m just handling it in stride in such a manner that I don’t notice anymore. Perhaps. I just don’t like the idea of losing my voice. With irrationality comes the ability to be wrong a lot easier, even if you’re in denial about it. And if you can’t realize you’re wrong, you’re much more likely to explore new territory than if you can tell the difference between rational and irrational thoughts.

Controlled spontaneity seems like an oxymoron.

(And it’s not that I’m saying I don’t think my spare time. My mind’s always running amok. I’m just referring to the illusion of importance, perhaps even pretention, though sometimes bleeding into genuine discovery, of the emotional significance of my thoughts. Perhaps as I continue debugging my brain, this will right itself.)

I suppose once NaNoWriMo gets underway, I’ll see just how much fire I have left.