Evening of 10-8-6

I feel like I’m prestressing. Or just stressing, I suppose. My interior monologue’s going haywire. A lot of times, I imagine myself talking to a friend. Rotates depending on what I’m thinking about. I recall the other day when I was talking about my A&P exam this Tuesday. I’m terrified I’ll fuck up. With a sincerity in her voice that I’ve come to expect from her, Colleen said I’d be fine. Such faith is something I need in myself. Frankly, a little paranoia is healthy. I’d rather overstudy this and knock it dead, and understand that I can put forth the work necessary, than understudy and curse myself.

Funny thing is, it feels like hard courses always overstate the amount of studying required. Repeated phrases tend to stick in my head. Phospholipid bilayer. Fluid-mosaic model. Add a water molecule. I’ve gone over his practice questions and I know most of them, if not all. I’ve gone over some of the practice quizes on the book website, which are a little harder. Based on those, I noticed I was missing a lot of vocabulary knowledge. Isn’t that what a lot of this is? Memorization sounds so hard, but if you just say you’re learning vocabulary, it sounds a bit easier. I’m the kind of person that can pretty much figure out what a question is saying based on what the words are. I mean, isn’t it obvious? If you understand the question, there’s a good chance you’ll have a good idea of the answer. All things considered, I don’t see any Big Concepts that are so hard to grasp. Just a bunch of words that relate to each other on a cellular level.

It’s near-impossible to study on a Sunday, as the college is effectively “closed”. So I went to a park and attempted to break my streak. I had a bunch of notecards of things I did not know, so I went and looked them up in the book to the best of my ability. Knowing that a lysosome is enzymes bound by a single membrane doesn’t really mean anything to me, but I’m sure it’ll be helpful in the context of a question.

At least later on Tuesday, I can see how much I spanked that Nutrition exam.

I’m still amused that I stress about yoga.

…

Yeah, gotta relax. Just gotta relax. Keep my wits about me. On the bright side, I’m better than I was a year ago? Far better. The mood cycles seem to have eased greatly. Hell, I’ve caught myself being in ridiculously good moods. I know I’m in a good mood when I’m not afraid to be a dick to my friends. No, dead serious, if I’m in a good mood, I’m more likely to say things that make people uncomfortable. In that funny way. I’m also less afraid to cut people off mid-sentence, because I have something to say. As contrasted to when I’m quiet and hoping people will notice I’m not saying a goddamn thing. Man, I’m sick of that.

There aren’t many foods I like. I was in my room finishing up something when my dad asked how long it would be before I’d make meatloaf. I said I didn’t know. I really didn’t, so I refused to give an estimate. That pissed him off, so he tried to make it himself. Ha. I tolerated my mom making meatloaf all while I grew up, there’s no way he can make a decent meatloaf. It was edible, but like all things they make, I find no desire to clean my plate.

But what really pissed me off was they used the wrong meat. They used meat I wanted to use for chili, rather than that 3 lb hunk of ground beef. My mom commented that the meatloaf I made last week (which was delicious) only fed Cliff and I. So I got more meat this time. I was going to use a pound and a half of meatloaf mix, and a pound of ground turkey for my chili. I can’t use 3 lbs of beef for chili, because the pot would overflow. Little shit like this pisses me off – I’ll just buy more meat tomorrow. I wonder when they’ll start arguing over why we have 3 lbs of beef in the freezer. Oh no, better “use it up”! Sometimes I wonder why those fuckers are even married. My mom’s pretty much resigned herself to “putting up” with that asshole. *shrugs* Not a lifestyle for me, that’s for sure.

I bitch about my parents too much.

Yes, I’d love to move out.

Hrm. Laundry. I’d like to get the “See, I folded my laundry” shot for ditl.

Tomorrow is apparently bench day, based on Phase III specifications. I haven’t done a barbell bench for reps since May. Based on that, I should knock out 105 easily. I could test myself and try 115, given that I’ve had plenty of time to improve. Eh, I’ll complete 105 for 5×5, and take it from there. I wonder what I’ll row.

I’m hungry. I made tuna salad for post-workout foodage. Less mayo, more pepper, than when my dad made it. It should be painfully obvious that I prefer doing things myself.

Meh, I don’t deserve this on a Sunday night. Hrm. A crazy thought. Maybe I could calm myself by going over some more quizzes and making more notecards. That way I’d have something to do tomorrow morning/afternoon. Most of my studying will have to occur tomorrow, as I’ll have two classes before my exam on Tuesday. Hrm. Engage the situation, rather than hiding. I told myself at the beginning of the semester to just try. I suppose this is the natural progression, as opposed to just shutting down.