It is now so much better than it ever was.

I’m feeling okay, I guess. Good to pause and actually gauge the emotions, no?

I could use a full-body hug. Part of me wants to ask the ladies if I could get one. Not a “see-you-later” hug. A nice hug where it’s clear you’re letting someone in your personal space. Hell, the mere fact that they’re my friends is nice enough to make me feel good. Seriously, it’s a stabilizing factor. I have a sense of where they are now during the week. It’s so nice having company, even if you’re not even saying anything. I like that.

Did I get lucky when I introduced myself to them at random that day? Is it in my interest to bump into more new people at random? Nah, I’ll save this for another day.

And most importantly, I’m on a cycle with Cliff. Now that we’re a bit more stressed, our bondage is important to retaining our sanity.

I had a mini-breakdown last night. Emphasis on the mini. I was just really stressed from the long day, from the week. The negative thoughts started creeping up, telling me how much “free time” I’ve actually had, how much more work I was supposed to do. I caught that, and tried to just tell myself, “You’re having an off-night. Let it go.” I had to supplement this with, “It’s okay to feel bad – it’s okay to feel stressed.”

Over what? Some spanish homework I didn’t get a chance to this past week, and a test I had this morning. Knowing I tend to recover in the morning, I canceled my workout this morning and planned to get to school early to do the homework and do a little studying. Guess what, I tore through the homework in minimal time, leaving plenty of time to sudoku with Colleen. *smiles* I love that girl.

Do you know what it’s like to have your instincts tell you not to trust people? Constantly, to the point where you think you’re just paranoid or intolerant? It’s such an affirmation, it’s so refreshing when you finally meet new people that your instincts like. I wonder if Colleen and Ashley realize how special it is that I trust them. Yeah, I’m a sap, shut up.

I’m an intimate person. Maybe it’s not an excuse. Maybe this is just my style of socialization. Maybe this is just how I am. Maybe there’s absolutely nothing wrong with me. Why would there be anything wrong with being able to have very intimate relationships?

Relatively speaking, but you get the idea.

I want to try. That’s what I’ve never done before. I want to put my best effort forth. I also don’t want to crumble under my own expectations. It’s a delicate balance, motivating myself and also telling myself “It’s okay, you’re doing fine” if negative thoughts creep up.

Last Sunday, I plotted out my itenerary for this week. While I didn’t follow it to the letter, it helped immensely in having me already have thought out what little things I need to do. Break it down, split it up, do it in tiny bits at a time.

By Class

Yoga: Do two sessions outside of class
Intro to Exercise Science: Read through internship requirements and term paper
A&P Lecture: Review Chapter 2, notecard some molecule endings, check supplemental online material, annotate what I don’t understand
Personal & Family Nutrition: Review notes and read in book on appropriate subjects
Spanish III: Go through my old vocabulary notecards – days of the week, months, verbs, nouns, etc. Notecard chapters 9 and 10 vocabulary – notecard any past words I’m not 100% with.
Self-Defense: Once a week, go outside and practice stances. Not required, but it’s more for mental sharpness.
A&P Lab: Notecard cells that will be on the test this next week.

By Day

Monday: Nothing Due
Tuesday: Nothing Due
Wednesday: Nothing Due
Thursday: A&P Lab test
Friday: Nothing Due

Strategery:

Saturday: Morning Lower Workout. Afternoon notecarding for spanish, notecarding for A&P cells. Self-Defense Stancing, yoga and extended deep relaxation for CNS recovery. Get adequate food. Evening Upper workout.

Sunday: Morning Yoga, then Cliff`em All.

Monday: Morning Lower workout. Eat at CafÃ©, study cell notecards, read for Nutrition, keep Ashley company after her class. Sudoku. Self-Defense class. Go home.

Tuesday: Morning Upper Workout. Eat at CafÃ©, sudoku #1. Yoga, Intro to Exercise Science, A&P Lecture. Eat again, then hit up a computer and check online resources for A&P Lecture. Study Cell notecards, time permitting. Sudoku #2. Eat again before Personal and Family Nutrition. Go home and collapse before 11 PM.

Wednesday: Sleep in to all of 8 AM, but have a relaxing morning. Sudoku #1 before class, review spanish notecards before class, think of past preterite way to say what I did esta semana pasada. He does that every Wednesday, good to prethink. Sudoku. Relax completely between classes, then GOTO Self-Defense. Eat. Do spanish homework for Friday. Spend some hardcore time studying for the A&P lab cell exam. (Spanish is done first because it’s easier. Gives me confidence in being able to do things.)

Thursday: Get up at 7 AM and try not to be late for my A&P lab. Nail the test. When lab lets out, relax in time between then and yoga. Eat. Sudoku. Yoga, Intro to exercise science, and then A&P Lecture. After class, review notes and check online resources. Review spanish vocab notecards. Go home shortly.

See. I feel better. What’s critical is breaking things up. Telling myself to look at those goddamn cells over and over again, write it down over and over again until I do have those fuckers memorized. I can’t memorize it Wednesday, but I can Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday. But preparation should begin tomorrow. No actual studying, at least not mentally. Just doing the work required so I can begin studying. It’s a mind-game, that’s all. Keeping busy tomorrow will also keep me in better spirits. I’ll want to do it tomorrow so I’m “free” Sunday, Cliff permitting.

*yawns*

Staying calm, staying loose, not feeling overwhelmed. It’s nice not feeling overwhelmed. It’s nice feeling loved, in some regard, it’s nice feeling accomplishment, regardless of what my inner critic thinks. I’m doing okay now, I just want to build on it.

I didn’t even say what happened today. Drove to Drew to get him. Stayed there for two hours, as I didn’t want to drive back in rush-hour traffic. I can handle it, yes, but I don’t want to. The van can handle the speed, but. It’s New Jersey. Gotta have nerves of steel. I must be getting old or something. We played checkers. First game, he beat me by stalemate, without losing (or attacking) a single piece. No, seriously. He moved forward to sacrifice one piece, and I refused to take it. So we just moved forward until I had nowhere else to move. We had to check the rules to determine that he won. Second game was extremely drawn out. It was six on six. Then six on five. Then three on two. Then two on two. Then two on one. Then one on one. I actually pinned him in a corner and forced him to kill me, it was hilarious.

Called Liz, and she dropped by. We watched Star Trek III. *smiles* Maybe Sunday we’ll watch Star Trek IV.