A Commitment to Self.

A year ago, by some stretch of the imagination, I was a workaholic. I was getting 85 – 95 hours over two week cycles. I’d come in early, I’d leave late, I’d come in on my day off. I could do just about every position in Ye Olde Panera. I cared too much for my own good, even getting stressed. Yet, it stabilized me, and allowed me to enjoy my free time. To a degree. I thought about getting a better job, though it was just a reminder that I shouldn’t stay there forever. But what really amuses me is that I seriously considered getting a second job.

Man, getting fired was the swift kick in the nuts that I needed, though it’s taken a while to find my confidence again. There’s many different kinds of confidences. Actually, my resistence to working hasn’t been a matter of confidence. It’s been a matter of just not wanting to.

No, seriously. If we want to do something, we’ll do it. You can complicate it, you can debate it, it’s that simple. If you don’t want to do something, then there’s either something mentally holding you back which you can’t get over, or you really just don’t want to do it!

As my current situation has been, it took a while for me to realize that the reason I didn’t want to get a job had to do with long-term control. It reflected the state of my life. A dead-end job, then go take some classes I won’t enjoy. It’s an imperative that I can’t ignore.

So I went and got a change of major form. I noticed in rather large print “advisor signature required”. Old Timmy would be bothered by this. Now it works in my favor. I’ve been in school four to five years. Guess how many times I’ve actually sought out an advisor. Zero. Nope, why would you need an advisor, all the information’s already out there. But this time is different. The real reason I never got an advisor is because I never cared enough. I figured I could figure it out on my own. I’m sure there’s a lot more to that which I won’t delve into at this point.

The more I think about it, the more this makes sense. There is no sense in me getting a degree I’ll never use, especially if I’m interested in something else. I’ve had a lot of ideas. And even if this doesn’t end up being something I’m doing in five years, it’s something I can definitely do right now. It’s important to have a sense of long-term fulfillment, of knowing where today’s actions are leading.

It’s taken some mental debugging to find the right words for myself; the affirmations that mean the most come from within. I think, “Oh, it’s embarassing to go into that.” So I meditate on it, in my own way. Personal judgement of what others will think if I do this or that. It’s easy to tell yourself to ignore what others thing, but reality is that judgements come from within. Wondering whether I could do it. Thinking about all the other ideas I’ve had in the past. Then I wonder what the alternative is. Forget all the expectations I’ve had, what would I do with myself?

Whatever, I don’t need to explain myself.

I’m reminded of how many times I was told to be a writer. I know you can’t just write for the sake of writing. I know you have to write about something. I know it’s a skill I’ll always have. Who knows. Not to mention my knack for perceptiveness.

Anyway, I’m a pretentious bastard. I no longer need to default to CS anymore. I’m going to go into exercise science and see about getting a certificate as a personal trainer. I could haul ass and finish in two semesters, though it might take three. Frankly, I’d rather do whatever gives me the least amount of stress. And lets me take everything I want. : D Even if I did finish in two semesters, I’d have to take one or two over the summer, and take six in the fall and spring. Which won’t be that big of a deal, because county isn’t that challenging, but it’s still five full classes plus a science.

Oh right. Anatomy and Physiology. I haven’t touched bio since 1998/9. What’s that like? : D

I’ll be fine.

On my way back, I picked up an application from the wholesale place we shop at. Because it’ll be a stupidly easy job. And if I want a better job, I’ll go get one. *nods*

Time. There’s far too much pressure on doing things NOW. I’m far better suited to go find what I need to do now that I’m not concerned with time. Things will take however long they take. I might as well enjoy the process. Happiness isn’t something down the road, it’s something you should be creating.

The splintering of a personality, different sides break to the surface and shine brightly. Seemingly a different person, but we know better. I’m more the man than I used to be. As my mind calms and I let myself discover myself, I’m sure all the facets will come back together and I will find myself whole again, without apologies or fear.