I’ll wait.

I’m a lot calmer than I was yesterday. Liking someone is a bit more complex than the three words, “I like you.” I get used to vibrant fuzzies, those soaring highs which probably aren’t that different from a lot of chemical highs. Or so some would claim to me. Fuzzies are just one part of it, and it’s hard to put into words everything else. I’m just trying to listen to myself, and it’s fascinating everything I’m seeing. Like seeing in color for the first time.

It’s always difficult to restate what somebody else has said to you. The end result is that she doesn’t want to date me right now. In my own words, she’s afraid of repeating a systemic pattern that has occurred in past relationships. She worries about how she values herself in a relationship, and how she relies on physical affection and the like as an indicator of how interested a guy is. You know, having sex to feel loved. Something rather familiar to me.

It’s always a little more complicated and I’m not so vain as to think I can just figure her out like that. No, absolutely not. I know myself, I’ve spent a year and a half bitching about every last thing Paige did to me. But I know it was her, recognize the feelings in me that caused me to act as I did. To some degree. And that it’s wrong for me to expect her to repeat the actions of people past. It’s hard to trust again, as we all know.

It’s not my job to figure her out, and it’s not my job to “fix” her. Empathy can only go so far, you have to reach a point where you respect people’s situations and feelings as something ever-so-slightly beyond your grasp. Universal empathy is kind of insulting.

I recognize that it’s important not to force her into anything. If you know anything about my tone of writing, I’ve indicated in this entry that I’m not scared of her. I paused at first when she explained herself. Then I realized I wasn’t actually being rejected. We all hate the “it’s not you, it’s me” line, but I think this is a situation that requires a throttle. We have a history of moving too fast. In some ways, that works to my advantage, as I’d love nothing more than to show her that there is more to intimacy and relationships than physicality.

I’m naive, but I’m not dumb. My eyes are open. I’m aware of where this could lead me. If it turns into her stringing me along and never being sure of herself, I’ll have to back off. I recognize that. ..At least for now. I like to think I know myself, and I know how I want to be treated. Probably will want to keep that basic rules of relationships thingie around. What was it, being respected, heard, that sort of stuff. It’s in the front of my journal. Right. Feeling safe, treated respectfully, not be abused verbally, emotionally, or physically, be heard, be appreciated and valued, have privacy and boundaries respected, have needs met, feel good about yourself in the relationship. Obviously meant for any relationship, whether it’s your parents or somebody you’re interested in.

I’m calm and open, but reality checks are good now and then. I will be keeping an eye on myself, just as everybody else should.

I recognize the difference in self-awareness. My question to her was how she was going to try and deal with these issues. You can’t deal with issues in a vacuum. I’ve tried, and too much self-thought will drive you mad. You have to live it until you get it right. I don’t mean just not thinking about it, period. I mean just recognizing the basis of what happened, how you would have preferred to handle it in the future, and what key self-values are at play that you need to emphasis. …Damn, I’m being general, I’m not even sure if that makes sense.

In other words, I don’t make progress sitting in my room. I make progress when things happen, and then I reflect upon them. Some people call this “experience”. Experience need not be exotic, for me it tends to be rather simplistic. Just observations, listening to myself, discovering how I am when I’m living.

I’m a patient person, and a romantic to a fault at times. So far, she hasn’t used me, she hasn’t manipulated me, she’d been kind, and she hasn’t tried twisting my words. Why shouldn’t I be patient? Titles be damned, I like being around her. I’ve told myself to throttle the physical affection. It’ll still be there, it just doesn’t need to be so emphasised constantly. That’s been my problem, hasn’t it? Yes, it has.

As a random fact sort of thing, she has a problem where she’s always hungry. You know how you eat, and you feel full? She doesn’t feel that way. Her brain’s always telling her that she’s hungry. That, on top of the oral fixation. Thus why she’s always chewing gum. I like a girl who doesn’t mind eating in front of me, but damn, that’s a shitty disposition. She also writes on only one side of paper, and is left-handed. *nodnod* I’m only a hair taller than her. And she weights my pre-workout weight. If you can remember what that was.

She wants to expose me to things, which is good because I’m so freaking sheltered. I’m not really all that inspired to do things, so it would be good if I were complemented by someone who would be like, “Hey, let’s go do that!” You know? Two people who don’t want to do anything get boring. Heh, I totally remember Elena and I at the Minnesota State Fair. 10AM, and we were already bored.

She was telling me a story about an ex who cheated on her because this girl had a navel piercing. She has her ears pierced, but that’s it. She doesn’t like navel piercings. If the worst thing I can say about her is that she won’t get her navel pierced, I’m doing pretty good for myself. I don’t like body modifications, but SOME navel piercings are pretty cute. ANYWAY. He later asked Ashley if she’d get her belly button pierced. …Okay, how dumb do you think she is? “Hey, can you be just like this girl I cheated on you with?”

Now that is changing for someone. Also, she has no interest in nipple piercings, because it could interfere with breastfeeding. Heh. This chick is awesome! I know that it’s still possible to breastfeed after getting your nipples pierced, but. There’s still scar tissue there. *nodnod* She’s looking forward to getting pregnant so that her boobs will grow. Apparently she knows plenty of girls whose breasts grew and did not deflate afterwards. Possible, but I thought there was no guarantee you’d maintain your lactating breast size.

Ahem. Talk about a tangent. Also, I love gazing at her. *giggles*

I came here early this morning to keep her company. Hey, any excuse will do. I like talking to her! I walked her to class, interrupted by Angie if only for a moment, then kissed her goodbye. Accuse her of mixed signals, fine, but she’s been consistent with how she acts towards me. It’s not like she shows disinterest, she’s just afraid of SERIOUSRELATIONSHIP. So I’ll just be cool and see what happens.

I feel good. No spikes this morning, no feelings like I needed to hold her or anything. I can handle this .. for now. And if you don’t like how much I talk about her, don’t read it and go away; I’ll be happy to remove you from my favorites. : D

Addendum: She also doesn’t like gold. How can you not want to spoon with a girl that doesn’t want expensive rocks? You know the only reason people like gold is because it’s EXPENSIVE. They’re both metal melted into a ring-shape! Nothing intrinsicially better about gold than silver! *smiles* Okay, okay, people like their yellow rocks. Platinum looks like silver anyway, except it’s EXPENSIVE.