Deciding to Try.

You know that class I hate? All that group project shit? I decided this evening I would stay late and do stuff in the lab, as I can’t do it at home. I’m impressed I was able to put my emotionalness aside. But there’s something else I noticed.

I pay attention to my thoughts. That awareness stuff. I was sitting here, feeling pretty goddamn shitty. All this stuff that I don’t understand. I think to myself, “For a group project, I feel ugsomely alone.” Work .. together? Meetings amount to what you have to do individually. I sense no help from them. I mean. Let’s say I ask for help. I’m terrified of doing something like that because I wouldn’t know what to say.

But that’s just a backdrop. I wasn’t going to leave. I gave myself all evening. I had eaten. I had snuggled with Ashley in the café. I gave myself a chance here, it’s not like I’m all in a bad mood or have anything else to do afterwards.

I thought about what would happen if I just collapsed here. I can’t help but be reminded of two years ago. It stings like nothing else. And I caught myself thinking, “I don’t want to fail.” I blinked. I understood. I have a pattern of avoidant behavior. If I’m stressed, I run away. You think I’m proud of the fact that I failed a semester’s worth of classes? In my mind, it’s better to run away than to struggle. I didn’t fail two years ago, I just couldn’t stand the pressure. I forgive myself.

A blinked, as if a fire came to my eyes. I looked over what I had to do. I looked it over again. I had that infernal book with me. I looked it up. I looked at what has already been submited by then. As much as I can make a decision to fail, I made a decision to try.

I’m done now. Did I do a good job? I have absolutely no idea. I told you, I don’t know entirely what I’m doing. But I tried. And for most things, that’s all I can ask of myself.