Infatuation.

I’m infatuated. Is that the right word? I’d say it’s as accurate as possible to describe how I’m feeling. Frankly, it’s kind of scaring me. It’s quite strong. And I mean strong. I know I’m emotional. I know I’m obsessive. I have a history of these kinds of patterns. But it’s always slightly different each time. Moreover, it’s not somebody else I’m placing her as, but rather self-warning of my own mental history.

I…

I’m scared. Not scared-scared. It’s a jumble of emotions right now. I’m pretty naive, but not enough to start justifying things. They’re feelings, but it’s foolhardy to pinpoint reasons. The reason is her, and I need not complicate it much more than that. I just wonder what I’m supposed to do. I’m a very affectionate person. Once again, I use affection to show I care. That’s why I like receiving affection. I ask myself, “Surely there’s a way to show how I feel without being so touchy-feely.”

But then I get caught up in the throttle game, and second-guessing myself. It’s not like I’m getting her pants. That’s not even a worry. I… I know what it is. It’s so simple. We napped today in the café. Various positions on a short bench, before we figured out a way to lay so we were both comfortable. Holding her close, nuzzling her, god I love it. The difference between now and a week ago? I’d freaking care now if I was rejected.

That’s the difference between a crush and.. infatuation? Again, can’t think of a better word. A crush, if she hadn’t responded to me, I probably would have been sad, but otherwise rebounded. Our minds concocate crazy thoughts to ensure we stay with someone we like. We’ve been acting couple-ish, so amidst our coupling, I asked her whether she was actually my girlfriend, or whether she needed more time. More time. I know how she acts towards me, but I can’t help but worry. The back of my mind whispers, they always disappoint you, nobody’s ever come through. I tell that voice to shut up and let me enjoy this.

She’s just a girl. It’s so amazing how emotions are, turning someone you admired a week ago into someone you want to hold close and never let go. What is it to know someone? What is it to know someone’s right for you? Nothing has changed since last week except for the fact that my emotions have skyrocketed. I’d love to just sit back and enjoy it, but I am slightly nervous. She’s just a girl, but.. ..I like her. *nods*

Things never happen as you expect them to. Especially when you have no expectations.

But anyway, I just had to get this out, in part. I’ve already written in my journal, which always manages to find girl-related writing in it. Nowhere else can I ink out my naked emotional vulnerability. I only vaguely understand why I wanted to cry. Such complicated emotions.

I have homework to do. No, seriously. I’m staying late. I even ate a ton of food here to ensure I won’t run into hunger issues. I will try. I will try my best.