Afternoon Update for 3-1-6

I don’t like when people I don’t know use my bathroom. My friends, I don’t care about. But anybody else, and it kind of irks me.

Cliff dropped by the café where I was eating. We spent an hour or two discussing philosophy. Literally. *laughs* For a moment, I suppose I was happy. I don’t really read philosophy, but he does. It still rings in my head the time he said, in explaining why he likes me, “You’re not painfully stupid.”

I wanted to try and work on that take-home test I have for child psych. I can’t help but feel like I’m not learning anything. This entire college just seems below me. I just. Don’t care. When I leave class, I don’t feel like there was a major objective that had to be taught. It’s strange, I like my child psych teacher, yet. Maybe my expectations for the course were off. I don’t feel like I’m learning child psych. I don’t feel like I’m learning anything about children, let alone psychology. If I were more motivated, I’d kick this class’s ass.

Except, I don’t care.

Well, I do. I just.

I’m tired of being so apathetic and depressed. It’s draining. It’s like the world wasn’t made for people like me. I’ve come before the world was ready, so I struggle crying This isn’t right. Cliff was telling about a philosopher who theorized that there is no way that the world could have been created using natural laws, because we’re all too fucked up. Therefore, all these flaws had to have been created by god. We had a good laugh.

Any intelligent person knows that real intelligence isn’t found in the classroom, nor a textbook. If there was a book that would make everybody intelligent, it would have been written. There is no truth but the understanding we have of ourselves. Without the self, there is nobody to be intelligent. No amount of degrees can convince me that you’re smarter than me. Then again, that’s my egoism for you.

I sat with the child psych book and the list of six questions in front of you. You can either type of the answers to all six, or show up and do them in the blue book. She’d only ask three, so it’s a crapshoot which ones you’d get. I sat, trying to talk myself into it. “Try. Just try. Please.” My vision blurred, and my apathy intensified. It just felt so hard. I said to myself, “You’ve been saying how you’ve been doing so little. Hey. Here’s a chance to do something. Knock out this work and you’ll feel better about myself.”

I couldn’t find the strength to start. I recognized the futility. I was depressing myself. So I left. It’s a long day. I’ll have to find a way to calm myself down and regroup.

I was pretty apathetic about college when I was an undergraduate. For me, it was because I felt like I was only there because I had to be. Graduate school is much more fun and you focus more on what interests you, not what is required.

Believe it or not, I was in an apathetic funk regarding school last week. Skipped classes, didn’t do work, all that good stuff. But the thing is, I’ve been there, done that. I’ve dropped out. I’ve withdrawn part way through the semester. I’ve missed tons of class and squeaked by at the last minute. So when I see that kind of shit happening again, I get a little panicked, give myself some time to

Do elaborate

I think I’ve listened to his excuses long enough. Goddamn have I listened. I’ve listened to him scream obscenities at me. Has he ever listened to me? Doubtful. So help me Gaia… I feeling like murdering anybody who dare takes his side (aka does not see him as a complete manipulative asshole)

I think I will have to delete your note. Or I might scream and throw the computer out the window.

You’re very smart. Which is good, but it’s hard, because when teacher’s teach they teach average kids, not above average. I hope things work out soon.

True learning is something that no book will ever be able to teach you. If you already know that, you’re way ahead of the majority of the population. Unfortunately most of the people that hand out the jobs believe that that piece of paper stating someone has a four year degree is more important than anything else…

Yes, they’re ignorant, but at the same time, even if someone isn’t materialistic, money is a necessary evil. Knowing that is depressing, but in the huge scheme of things, four years of our lives spent getting that little piece of paper is probably worth it, even if we know that it’s true worth is irrelevant to actual learning.

ryn: me too but 5.5 years. But I’m going part time. I should be done in December if I don’t mess it up. Good luck.