Something will go right eventually.

I can do better than this. I mean. Not as a put-down. Not a “You’re a waste of life.”

I mean, a reoccurring statement from my mouth lately has been, “Live now how you want to live for the rest of your life.” The original context was diet and exercise. You don’t just restrict your diet and then return to old eating habits. Guess what happens when you revert to hold habits. All the shit that afflicted you before returns, whether it be weight or depression.

I wonder what it is about exercise that has me motivated. Is it how hands-on it is? It’s really had a positive impact on my confidence. I’ve seen first-hand how my form has improved, I’ve seen how I’m slowly increasing the weight. (My squat is about to jump, probably over my deadlift for a time. I’ve been very careful about not overworking myself.) But I am pushing myself. I’m listening to my body. It’s a very organic thing.

The side-effect is caring about what I eat, something I never, ever expected. It’s subtle. I’m the guy that, less than a year ago, championed his 7-11 diet. I’ve been at more or less the same weight for the past five years. Right around 130. Never increased, never decreased, regardless of what I ate. I could eat like a cow, wouldn’t increase. I could starve myself, wouldn’t decrease.

But just because it’s not visible, it doesn’t mean I’m not doing something to my insides. It’s been a slow progression over the years. I used to eat a lot more junk food in high school. By Senior Year, the only thing I ate with frequency was tostidos. Okay, that’s a half-truth. At that point, I was still running with my sarcastic donut obsession. (I wasn’t REALLY obsessed, I just liked saying I was.)

The strange thing is that those junk foods I used to eat just don’t taste the same anymore. I bet I could sit down with a bag of cheese puffs and GOTO town with them, but I just don’t get the cravings for them anymore. …But this wasn’t what I intended to write about. Gotta love when that happens.

This entire lifestyle I’ve developed, however it developed. It’s poisoning me. I have my positive moments, absolutely. It’s absolutely fascinating how I enjoy planning my workouts in my head. But beyond that, what is it I look forward to?

If I had a vision, if I knew what I was striving for, I think it would be a lot easier to strive towards it. I think if I free my mind from what I think I’m supposed to be doing, and think of things completely unrelated from those expectations, I’ll be closer to finding what it is I really want. If you told me a year ago that one of my true aspirations was to stop being a weakling, I would have scoffed and said defensively how I “enjoyed” being a weakling. I’d say that because, at the time, I didn’t think I was capable of anything better.

I’m capable of anything I put my mind to.

So, no, no giant declarations of war or purpose. Just a guideline, a theory. Something to work with. I need to really understand what better is before I start tripping myself up again.

Well, as almost an addendum, here’s today’s workout:

I was a little distracted, so I kept it a little shorter than usual. I haven’t mentioned this, but I don’t do an official warm-up. I’m thinking I should, but I don’t know how. Will research soon! You’ll notice sumo deadlift. That just means using an underhand grip, and a much wider leg stance. Arms down between legs, rather than outside of the legs. I don’t know, I’m thinking next week, I’ll drop the weight back to 95 and focus on my form. I don’t feel comfortable adding more weight. So I won’t. I don’t have the confidence like when I do squats. I’ll add ten more pound to my squat next week; may add more depending on how Monday and Wednesday’s Weight Training workouts go.

I switched back row apparatus. I think this bar is heavier than the others, so I’m assuming it matches the one in CCM’s weight room. Which is 25 lbs. Let’s hope I’m right. This one also seems to have an option for a much wider grip, which I like. I want to favor my posterior deltoids during the row, rather than the bicep.

During decline sit-ups, I held the plate high on my chest, and tried to get as full range of motion as possible. I think I did too good of a job, unable to finish the second set. *laughs* Think I should increase the weight and drop the reps? ; ) Maybe next time I’ll plan for three sets, instead.

It could be the fact that when you excercise you’re doing something good for yourself and that motivates you.

“I wonder what it is about exercise that has me motivated.” The endorphins, perhaps? Timmy, have you looked into related career options? Exercise physiology, or something? There’s fascinating research going on.