Toddler Freeweight Training.

When you’re single, you care about how you look. You have to attract a man! You have to compete with all your girlfriends!

And then it happens. You got laid. You got pregnant. You get cravings, gain weight, and sometime nine months or less later, you find yourself with another human being to take care of. That’s when you notice, “I’m tired, my boobs are huge, and I’VE GAINED TWENTY POUNDS.”

You’re a mother and you’re out of shape.

Fear not! Being a mom is a 24 hour intensive cardiovascular activity! But more than gaining dirty diapers and 3 AM breastfeeding sessions that cause your nipples to bleed, after you gave birth you gained something even more everlasting: You gained a freeweight that grows with you.

Hey, when I was little, my mom may have been curvy, but she definitely had some musskull on her. Mom musskull. Mom can open jars and move things. Moms gain this strength latently. You run after them, you pick them up, you lift entire pieces of furniture around when your husband is AWOL.

But yes. Look at that life you created. So small. You can still pick her up effortlessly! (Or him. Whatever.) But you know there will come a day when you can’t. Right straight from my brain, let’s figure out how can use that toddler freeweight to gain muscle and grow with your child, rather than being left behind when he grows to be taller than you. (Or she. Whatever.)

Let’s mimic an overhead press. Stand or sit, doesn’t matter. Grasp your toddler freeweight securely. Hold toddler freeweight against your chest. Lift toddler directly overhead. Return toddler to chest. Repeat. This exercise utilizes your triceps and your deltoids. If you can find a way to hold toddler to widen your grip, exercise will favor deltoids over your triceps. Narrowing your grip will favor triceps over deltoids.

Lay back so we can mimic a bench press. Hold toddler to chest. Lift toddler up. Gently return to chest. Do not let toddler bounce on your sternum. Exercise utilizes pectoralis major and triceps. Same grip principal applies. If you do this exercise on an incline, you can use some of your pecs and some of your deltoids.

Mimicing a row is rather difficult. Ah, I know. Squat slightly, lean forward, but keep your back straight. Hold toddler down with arms loose. Bring toddler to chest, flaring elbows back as if they’re being pulled by strings. Try to squeeze your shoulderblades slightly. Slowly let toddler down, but do not drop. Dropping may damage your toddler freeweight. Exercise utilizes posterior (rear) deltoids and biceps.

Mimicing a lat pull or pull-up is impossible with a freeweight, but I have a solution. Let’s mimic a pull-over. Lay on the edge of a bed with head near end. Sit toddler freeweight on belly. Lift toddler freeweight up over head. Let your upper arms go past your head as far as they will go. I’m not sure whether you’ll need to straighten your arms or not. It may be useful to keep your elbow at a constant L. Using your upper arm, bring toddler back overhead. Move toddler back to prone position. Repeat. Goal is to hit the latissimus dorsi, and I suppose both the biceps and triceps will be used, depending on how it’s done.

Let’s do a squat/deadlift. Your toddler freeweight is on the floor. Squat down. Use your legs. Keep your back straight. Need help? I got help. Simply keep good posture while you are fetching your toddler freeweight from the ground, and your posture will be good for years to come. A good form squat/deadlift will hit your quadriceps and your gluteus maximus. Since I doubt most toddler freeweights will want to be held in a deadlift position, consider combining a deadlift and an overhead press. (I forget the name of that. Snatch? Clean?) Lift toddler off ground in one fluid motion and lift overhead. Then squat back down till toddler is almost to the floor. Again, do not drop your toddler freeweight. A set of this motion will hit your deltoids, biceps, triceps, quadriceps, and gluteous maximus. Remember: Keep good posture.

Let’s do a sit-up. Or crunch, whatever. Lay on your back with your legs bend. Place toddler freeweight sitting on your legs or knees. Expose the toddler freeweight’s belly. Sit-up in a fluid motion and leave raspberries in the toddler freeweight’s belly. Return back to floor. Repeat. Your toddler freeweight would never know you were working out so you could get laid. Erm.

Toddler freeweights come with at most 10 lbs preloaded, but will grow to well over 100 lbs by the time they mature. Simply exercise with your toddler freeweight at a maximum of every other day (or simply alternate exercises each day to avoid muscle fatigue) and your musskulls will grow to accommodate the rising load of your toddler freeweight.

Try to make the experience for the toddler freeweight as enjoyable as possible. Do not handle toddler freeweight with a dirty diaper. Feed your toddler freeweight and bathe your toddler freeweight regularly. Talk to your toddler freeweight. Intertwine exercises so your toddler freeweight does not get bored. Exercise with both you and your toddler freeweight nude, to add silliness and intimacy. Do not attempt to exercise with a toddler freeweight that is not yours. Remember to give both you and your toddler freeweight adequate rest.

Toddler Freeweight Training is life training. It’s exercising with someone you love. Work out with toddler freeweights, and you, too, can be one buff mama.