Return of the Timmy.

As a rule, if I remove myself from my friends’ presence long enough, things will happen. Once again, I believe this is the case. I’m not sure if it’s a purposeful cycle we’ve fallen into, but it’s definitely the case. Let me see if I can remember why I went away last August in the first place. I remember it was after all the drama with Dan. Cliff asked me my advice. He felt guilty for wanting to leave Jess – and then immediately be with The Other Woman. Neither of us said it, but we were referring to Liz. I cleared his conscience, and inadvertantly put it on mine. And really, Cliff and Liz have been happy together. I didn’t think they’d last, but then again, Cliff didn’t think Liz and Dan would have lasted the few chaotic months they were together.

But, it was more than that. I felt like I was using them to escape from my problems. Alternating extremes, the illusion of bipolar. So I went from using socialness to avoid my problems, to flat-out being anti-social. I saw all of them at County at some point, but otherwise didn’t seek them out. I had to focus on me. So I did.

Was it a matter of finding myself? Did I find myself? What did I find?

It’s that age, I suppose. I’m allowed to, for once, let myself do something that’s expected of me. If I don’t do it now, I certainly won’t let myself do it later.

But nobody ever finds some sentence or paragraph that explains themselves. I think it’s more silent understanding. A nod. That’s the problem I’ve run into recently. I already know, I just don’t feel like doing. I get it, so much so that I realize that nobody can help me but myself. But rather than empower myself, I decided to depress myself into a hole and hide.

The curse of intelligence, nobody with half a wit could be conscious of a complex so deep.

Dan’s curse is another story altogether. I feel bad for him because the end result of this is that he gets shafted. Cliff said a few words to me about him, and his tone has changed. There’s resentment against Dan for being a douchebag over the years, but underneath it all, there is a bit of care. Have I mentioned Cliff’s the most emotionally complex person I know? Despite all his psychological issues, I still think he’s healthier emotionally than most females. *shakes fist at immature female population*

I noticed. Liz said something about it’s been a while since “we’ve all” been together. Which is true. Was I the only one that noticed that Dan wasn’t with us? Without him, it doesn’t feel like all of “us”.

But regardless, I do feel a bit calmer now. I’ve desperately missed social contact. I think part of my problem before is that I lost sight of my own place amongst them. My mind would kick into overdrive thinking they didn’t like me. Which isn’t true at all. I kept trying to see how I interacted with everybody, instead of just acknowledging that they accept me as a friend and it doesn’t need to be any more complicated than that. We all need to feel accepted into a social order to survive.

Cliff’s dad offered me food and I humbly accepted. I’m always big on the thank-yous when I’m at other people’s houses. I took a moment to absorb the moment. Liz and Cliff over looking at their fishies. I was playing a video game with Cliff’s little brother. I wasn’t being condescending and he wasn’t being too immature for once. I always do feel more comfortable at other people’s houses.

Erik and Ashley showed up. Cliff told me that Erik cut his hair, and this is the first I’ve seen of him. Honestly, he’s really cute with his hair shorter. I should get a picture of him, I think you’d all agree. He was telling me how great Panera is now that Mike is gone. He also said he’s taken my job, more or less. Quaint. I was the sacrificial lamb. I should get a different job. *sighs and shakes head*

We spent time hanging out in the video store. I don’t give a shit if it’s blockbuster. We do this all the time. We’ll go looking for one little thing, then spend a half hour making fun of all the titles. I haven’t set foot in a video store in half a year, so there were plenty of things to make fun of.

It’s been a long time since I’ve driven people in the van. The engine noticably struggled. It took a long time for me to clear out seats for people to seat. I decided my school books were riding shotgun, though I will have to dig out my shrink-wrapped C++ book out of the back eventually. It felt nice. I’ve been driving around this clique for four years now. I was the only one with a license back then, in my first year at Rutgers. The silent old fellow who occasionally says completely outlandish things. Cliff and Liz needed fish-related things, so we ended up at WalMart of all places. I was making fun of tabloids and cosmo, to wish Ashley says something about licking a guy’s armpit. I smile, knowing she finds this disgusting, and say how much I love having my armpits licked. It really IS something I like!

I try to remember how I pulled off last semester. I filled my life with things. I gave myself little goals. Though, I don’t like that word. Goal is intimidating. Shit to do. I gave myself shit to do, more or less. The cycle has come full circle. Just like this time last year.

Oh. I’ve had this craving to watch Star Wars. This should be surprising, as I used to hate Star Wars. So while when Erik and Ashley showed up, I mentioned this to Cliff. To which Erik replied that IHOP has all-you-can-eat pancakes again. *smiles* See, I don’t really organize plans. I just interject ideas now and then, and everybody else sort of decides. We plan by not planning? *shrugs* We don’t really set times, we just decide, “Okay, we’re getting together this day” and we all magically appear. I still don’t really get it. So we’re going to do some Star Wars, then eat some IHOP.

Home, I decided I should listen to some fitting music. Not upbeat, more something somber. Suddenly, I was taken back to Emily driving me home after getting me high one last time. She was blasting Modest Mouse. An absolutely perfect drive, a perfect moment. You know why I let Emily get me high? Because I knew I wouldn’t be able to get pot around here. Or, rather, my own social ineptness would keep me from seeking out my own pot. Somehow, taking a couple hits is okay if you’re not paying for it. *snickers* I’ll fully admit that I liked pot. I’d rather get high than drunk any day. Pity it fucks with your brain.

*yawns*

As I say so often, life keeps going whether you’re on your feet charging forth, or with you being dragged on the ground.

Oh, I knew I forgot something. I’ve been gone only since August, but in that span of time, Erik’s mom got breast cancer, their cat got run over, and they got two new cats. *nods* Liz’s dog died. And uhhh. Yeah, that’s all I meant to mention.

We named our children after towns that we’ve never been to and it’s true that the clouds just hung around like black cadillacs outside of you and we were laughing at the stars while our feet clung tight to the ground so pleased with ourselves for using so many verbs and nouns…

I had the half-thought of starting over a new diary today. But, ha ha, like that’ll ever happen. If I want a more intimate diary, I can just post favorite’s only. It’s like getting a whole different subset of notes. Seriously.