Sound The Trumpets.

I seem to run a dichotomy of emotions, most days. Not bipolar, not at all. I either have focus, or I absolutely do not want to think about things at all. I crawl into my little hole and hide. I blot out the world and space out. I know it won’t last forever, but I try to treat it like it will. Lose track of time, forget what day of the week it is. It’s what I’ve done since I was little, and while it may not be the healthiest nor the happiest time for me, it resets me and puts distance between me and the stress of the past. It partitions me emotionally.

If I don’t really have anything to do, then I don’t. I’ve strayed from tracking my moods. I kept to it all through the semester. I just can’t be bothered to think about “me” too much. I’ve also strayed from tracking my weight. Oh, I’ve been noticing my weight rising. Just haven’t gotten around to writing it down. I’m at 136.2 today. I was at 137 lbs two or three days ago.

As expected, I fell asleep far too late last night. Blame it on getting up late last night. I got up around one today, which left me with around six hours of sleep. Good enough. My first class tomorrow is 11:30 AM, so I should be super getting up.

I woke up with a dry throat? I felt it coming on last night, but shrugged it off. I couldn’t sleep. Meh. I stripped my bed of sheets, because whenever I feel myself getting sick, it’s the first thing I do. I know rest is good for when you’re not feeling 100%, but fuck that. I feel better if I breath some cool air, work out, and soak in the sauna for a bit.

I was really down on myself this morning. I knew it would pass, but I simply acknowledged it. I felt like last semester wasn’t an accomplishment at all. I felt.. like a failure. Meh, my spirits haven’t been that great lately.

I exermacised today, so I should be okay (ha ha) going to bed at a reasonable hour. Overhead squats, pull-ups, incline bench press, decline bench press, bent-over rows, deadlifts, weighted sit-ups, and side-bends. I felt great. I added ten pounds to my deadlift, bring it to a comfortable 105 pounds. The decline bench press was something I’d never done before. I was unsure of how stable I’d be, so I used only 20 lb dumbbells and cranked out some reps while watching my form. I liked it. I’ll use 25 lb dumbbells next time.

I’ve said for the past month that I would review spanish vocab before the first day of class. So much for that. I haven’t even cleaned out the pants I was wearing for the past month, so I didn’t have a pen on me. Unable to annotate anything in my journal, I relaxed in the diner reading Bertrand Russell.

Afterwards, I got bread and bagels, at the request of my mom. I happened to drive directly in front of Staples on my way home, and remembered that tomorrow is the first day of school. My mom’s card still in my inside pocket, I bought two notebooks, some pen refills, and a small notebook. As much as I can exploit the back of my journal, I need something else. I need a specific place to put things I’ve done. No, not an assignment book. After I finish something, I’ll put it in there. …And maybe, if there’s something I need to do, I’ll write it and circle it (and later checkmark it). You can never have too many pieces of paper to write on.

I’m taking 18 credits before. Oh, yes. But I’ve never passed all my classes when taking 18 credits. I remember a year and a half ago, that one session I had with my therapist (before leaving Rutgers). She asked me how I was going to handle the upcoming semester. I said infamously, “Focus on everything at once!” The blatantness of the inanity caused her to say, “..No! You’ll stress yourself out that way.” Quite right.

I’ve spent three weeks in self-induced mental exile. I take a breath. I’m rested. I’m a little nervous, as it still feels like I haven’t been in school in a long time. Which is kind of a good thing. I wanted to distance myself from academia as much as possible to reset myself. I suppose I really am rested mentally. It’s always the case that I write less during break or when I’m not in school. It’s like I’ve flipped a switch and allowed my brain to function again. I remember that I’ve done this before, that I wasn’t always bogged down with school, and I was able to allocate myself plenty of spare time to play video games and masturbate. Always the internally dramatic person; I always see things of this nature as an uphill battle.

It doesn’t need to be. I just need to walk in stride, one thing at a time. One unit of time to the next. Simple. I am the One. I know this. I’ll be just fine.