Even to the best of us.

I can’t sleep. It’s not entirely my fault. Not entirely. I stayed up late, even though I know I shouldn’t. I don’t want to stay up late. I want to sleep. I want to get a full night’s sleep and wake up rested. I love that feeling. Yet I linger. I fucking linger. It’s frustrating. It’s not so simple to say it’s because Roxanne’s in my room, because I did the same damn thing before we got cable.

Now I find myself laying in bed thinking about things, needlessly. It’s because my mood dropped. It just does that, seemingly at random. Seemingly. I can’t seem to help it. No matter how many times I pull myself back up, I sag a little. I wouldn’t say drop, because it’s not far. Just a sag. I want to be rid of these curse-ed demons.

I’m much better than I used to be. I remember how when my mood would drop, I felt utterly helpless. I’d wallow in my own self-pity. I have a lot more restraint now. I find that as soon as I start thinking outlandish things like, “Why do I even bother?” I immediately hear a reaction in my brain, a feminine voice shouting back, “Timmy, stop it. You’re loved. Now pick yourself up.” It’s taken a while to wedge that positive voice in my brain.

I want to be euphoric all the time. Maybe it’s too idealistic. Just happy. Just.. not unhappy.

I want more restraint. Or self-control. Yet I have more than I used to. I just want to sleep, damn it! *laughs* Nor can I hardly say “How do other people do it?” because I know damn well most people don’t fall asleep early. Most people are not my sister, going to bed at 9 PM. She’s a light sleeper. I’m a heavy sleeper. Hard to fall, hard to rise. I sleep hard.

I’m still lonely. I mean, romantically. I mean, I miss physical intimacy. That’s something no amount of friends can change, really. I’ll try to push it out of mind.

Thought control. I’m working on it. Sometimes it’s like dealing with multiple personalities. Looking back, it’s as if my own voice was drowned out. I’m much better at pushing them away, now. My demons. I don’t think they’ll ever go away. I guess that bothers me. Push it down, push them away, yet they’re just hidden, repressed. I can’t do the uber turbo combo which insta-kills them.

Meh. Sleep. I’ll try that again.