Van’s still where its at.

A slipping away. I want this feeling to go away. Just like old times. I don’t really want to do schoolwork. Yet I know I need to. I know that if I don’t do it, I’ll feel like shit. So I already feel like shit, because I haven’t done it. I’m avoiding it. I don’t know why I’m avoiding it. My mind can’t focus on the thought of getting up and doing it. Not yet. I know that’s all I have to do. Just get up. Get up.

Nor have I filled out that application. That’s different. That’s fear of not being able to do the job. Terror of screwing up. Maybe I haven’t learn anything at all.

I actually had a system when I was in the dorm. It wasn’t the best, but when I was passing classes, it worked. Just GOTO the library for an extended period of time. Give myself far more time than I needed. Bring certain material. Hit it. Come to think of it, I remember when I flat-out gave up on calc II. I remember that. Yet, somehow I rebounded and passed the class. Calc up the ass. Heh.

I’d hit the dining hall with my bookbag, eat in twenty to thirty minutes, then go straight to the library. Nothing’s changed about how I am in the library. Space out for half the time. Which is okay. Once I’m there, I don’t feel horrible. Being there means I’m doing something. Not finishing reading material is okay, because I know I did the best I could. It’s just getting myself there.

…So where am I supposed to go? I’m not driving to county just to sit in the library. I refuse to waste gas. I can’t do work here because I don’t want my family looking at me. Paranoia and stuff. I don’t want the trite, “Oh, you’re doing your homework” comments. I hate that. I want to be left alone. Nor can I do it in my room.

I’ve been amusing myself with how the van will be my dorm room. Books will just sort of stay there. No point in bringing all of them back into my room.

Ugh. Motherfucker.

3:20 PM.

Three hours later? I decided to try and perk myself up by playing Sims. Escapism. Worked, I suppose. Feeling sort of better. I took some pictures this morning that I’d like to post. But there’s so many! And I looked through my archive, and there’s the pictures from when I was building Roxanne. But there’s so many! E gad. Even with high bandwidth, uploading pictures without ftp is a pain in the anus.

Maybe I should give myself the day off. There’s Saturday and Sunday. I know what needs to be done. I’m just giving myself undue stress. Or maybe I need to relax the fuck down and do it .. now? But I don’t want to.

Fuck.

I haven’t eaten yet today, and I’ve been awake 11 hours. Yeah. I went to bed at midnight. Woke up at 4:30, unable to sleep. Maybe tonight I’ll sleep better. Getting up is good, indeed. But if I’m going to be up that early, I have to make the most of the time so I can goof off say, right about now. That sounds like a good idea. Getting up and do my academia first thing in the morning.

The calc is intimidating me, even though I followed along perfectly in class and I know I can do the HW. Maybe I should do readings for the other classes. That’ll give me the sense of having done something I needed to do. I do need to do those readings, even if it’s shit that’s going to be covered in class. I want to learn, no?

Actually.

That sounds like a good idea. I can do that. I’ll take off my headphones. Go eat. Go get the appropriate books from the van. Either read them there, or lounge on my bed. I told you, I don’t like people watching me study.

4:39 PM

I’ve eaten. Six eggs. … That’s a lot of eggs. Even I had trouble stomaching all of it. But, I was hungry. Remembering that damn lesson about fiber, I ate a slice of bread afterwards. It eased my stomach, proving to me that the proceeding #2 wouldn’t be nearly as bad. I didn’t need to mention that, did I? Probably not.

I’m… I always want to Sim when I’m avoiding things. Yes. Get up. Do stuff.

5:20 PM

Still dawdling.

6:50 PM

Success! I knew it would work. The van has always been my sanctuary. It was slightly warm, so I rolled the windows down. No distractions. Well, none that would cause me to leave. Just sat and relaxed. Watched cars go by. People go by. A cute girl with a dog. Heh. Oh, and I read a chapter. *nods*

Halfway through the chapter, I was reminded of this horrible, horrible Internet Applications class I took in High School. Yes. I remember it because of how bad it was. The teacher seemed to be a yuppity who had some sort of qualifications with computers, but otherwise didn’t know jack shit about what she was doing. At the start of the class, the printer wouldn’t work. I had no networking experience, beyond fiddling with Macs in the past. Except, these were PCs. I looked at the computers and noticed all their computer names were the same. So I changed mine, and I was able to print. I was yelled at, as she was horribly paranoid I was going to hack the system. Puh-leaze. When the busy work grew to be a pain in the ass, I dropped the class for my first-ever study hall.

I remember doing a lot of sleeping in study hall. *laughs* Actually, I remember doing a bit of homework, too. It gave me a chance to organize my thoughts, as I never thought much about academia outside of school.

Oh, the class I’m taking is Operating Systems, more or less. I glanced later in the book, and I probably will learn something. But this first chapter read like a All Praise Microsoft! epitaph. Windows 1.0? Who the fuck used that? As it’s pointed out a lot, Mac88 = Win95. It mentions how a 64-bit version of Windows was released in 2001 with Home and Pro. That’s entirely misleading. To this day, drivers are scarce for XP x64. Moreover, in its mini-history of Windows, it completely left out the significance of the change from 16-bit processing, and the current change from 32-bit to 64-bit. Instead it used such buzzwords as FAT32 and productivity. I mentioned memory limitations of 32-bit processing, but it didn’t state why there’s a limitation. I know why. It’s like reading a sex book designed for kids. It talked about Microsoft’s grand plan to unify NT and 9x OS’s into one OS – the child was XP. Which makes me wonder, why wasn’t it one OS to begin with? Even now, there’s STILL two OSs. The basic OS, home. And the hardcore OS, pro, which I have. Ha ha.

This should be an interesting contrast to the Unix class I’m taking.

Oh. I saw something that said XP was released in October 2001. Thinking back, I got that pyrated copy of XP in November 2001. I think. It’s been a while. Point is, I find it hilarious that I ran across a pyrated copy of XP Pro so quickly after its release.

Now if you’ll excuse me, when I last left my Sims I was working on our very own “Bang Bang” Bruce. He’s currently working as a short-order cook, because he can’t find a job as a hacker. *smiles* The hacker career track is the only one I ever maxed out. And goddamn, that was so hard to pull off. I did it with only livin` large. Why is this significant? Because I had to do all my social things in real-time. Plus, the computer track as HORRIBLE hours. God. He’d work maybe 10 – 6. Or seven. Or 8. Ican’t remember. I remember struggling to get him to have twelve something friends. Plus my wife and three kids. *smiles* Plus I’d randomly throw parties. Funny how after I bought house party, I lost all interest in throwing parties. What’s the point?

But, yes. Bang Bang calls.