No, the groping hasn’t gone down.

I didn’t realize it until after the fact. How can you notice something that isn’t there, after all, when it feels so natural?

Mike let me out a half hour early, and Melissa just happened to be leaving at the same time. I remember holding the door open for a good ten customers going in and out. Melissa just so happened to be walking out. We crossed the street with our index fingers hooked. We stopped at her car. She kissed me and openned her car door.

I was caught off-guard. I wasn’t expecting her to kiss me in front of the damn store. I reflexively kept talking to her, so she wouldn’t get in the car. I felt the moment come, so I leaned in. She cocked her head at the complementary angle and our lips met. Not a make-out session, but a good solid kiss.

I couldn’t tell you what she said to me between those two kisses. All I could recall was the words “call”, “after”, and “class”.

So, what did I realize after the fact? That there wasn’t any pounding voice to pull me away. So many times, I’ve had situations where I’ll want so badly to do something, or say something, but instead of just doing it I’ll shrink away. So many times the moment will pass and I’ll be kicking myself for the rest of the day.

But today, instead of hearing that negative voice, I heard a different voice. I heard a voice saying, “Do it. Kiss her. You want to kiss her. Wait for her to finish that thought and lean in to kiss her.”

When the fuck did I get confident?

*laughs*

On a completely unrelated note, I’ve been hooked on the song “S.O.S.” by ABBA lately. I grew up listening to ABBA. I liked this song then because of how happy and poppy it felt. Yet if I listen to it now, it brings much different feelings to me. It feels bittersweet. The lyrics are so goddamn direct.

So when you’re near me darling
can’t you hear me
SOS
The love you gave me
nothing less can save me
SOS
When you’re gone
How can I even try to go on?

So on and so forth. Thanks to ABBA, I now listen to RAMMS+EIN. *nods decisively*

I’ve thought about just what I’m trying to accomplish with Melissa. I’ve mentally decided not to decide. I don’t want to plan, I don’t want to plot. I dare say I don’t even want a relationship with her. At least not in the sense of OH GOD, LET’S BE A SERIOUS COUPLE.

To overstate the obvious, it’s a BAD idea to date somebody you work with. I was aware of the fire I was playing with when I asked Melissa for that date last week. So far… I like it. There is no fire on my ass. I’ve considered just how I’d get burned in the first place. Only if we break up. So the logical solution is to never be serious with her. No seriousness, no break-up.

I hope I’m not completely nuts.

Seriously though, I’m not sure she fits what I’d want in a girlfriend. I’ve played games plenty of times before. I can dance the dance. But I’d much prefer a more direct girl. Prefer. To be serious with me in the first place, she’d have to spend copious amounts of time with my friends. That’s a given. Not to say I wouldn’t be around her friends. But those social situations have to occur first. Until they do, I won’t take her that seriously.

Maybe I should just have her never meet my friends? *laughs*

Friends with emotional benefits. Why do I feel like I’ve heard that phrase before? Maybe the way I’ve been with some girls I’ve met online. But this is far different.

Fire, I’m playing with fire. She’s thinking about getting back with her ex! Why should I bother? Because, for some reason, I just don’t care. Because regardless of ol` Michael, she still likes me. Theories of poly come to mind, but I doubt this is the right situation to apply it to. Though, we do have a lot of New Relationship Energy. (Name that diariest. Also, can you hear how I’d say that?)

I usually don’t feel the flames until it burns. Yet, I’m not bothered. I feel… I feel in control. Which is an odd sensation. I feel like I’m in control of my own life and anything that happens to me.

I’m being sure not to be obsessive. I’ve been obsessive over so many before her. So, so, so, SO many. Goddamn. I remember how I’d easily leave a half dozen phone messages for Paige. Well. Fuck that, Melissa’s not getting that volume of attention unless she deserves it. Classical conditioning, almost. I’m reminded of how Cliff used to preach to me how dating is just a game. I hated that phrase, because it devalues the connecting that occurres between people. Yet, it’s so fucking true. Gotta play the game to get people to do what you want them to do.

And I used to be such a nice guy. *laughs* Easily one of my favorite Fight Club quotes.

I want to talk to Liz and Ashley. As girls who don’t care much for other girls, they’d be good to forewarn me. Yet, they’d still cheer me on? How to put it. Well, I just don’t feel fully comfortable talking about girl-related things with other guys. I’m far better than I used to be. But I feed off the energy of the people I’m talking to. I’ll easily talk to Liz about Melissa because of how excited she seems to be for me. I know Dan and Erik won’t mind me borrowing their girlfriends. *smirks*

I forgot to mention the obvious. Fear. I don’t really fear anything anymore. It’s never been as clear as it is right now. I used to be so afraid of what would happen with a girl. As I’ve mentioned before, it’s about wanting the right causal chain. I’m just living and seeing where it goes. I don’t really want anything, so I can’t be disappointed. Okay, that’s a half-truth. My expectations with Melissa are very short-term. As they should be. My expectations of people should reflect the depth of the relationship, no? Part of my problem in the past has been expecting far too much from people who didn’t deserve it. Trusting too soon. Trust is earned.

I get nervous before dialing. But not like I used to. Not at all. I’ve trained myself to just clear my mind and completely wing it. And watching myself succeed at winging it makes me more talkative. And happy. And confident in being able to wing it.

Poise. Always the scene right after Neo is resurrected. A deep breath and the walls flex with his ribcage. Completely in control of the situation. Staring his objective square in the eyes. I swear I sometimes scare customers with how I’ll look them square in the eyes.

Remind me, when did I get this confident? Oh right, Paige-related drama. It’s hard to imagine where I’d be if I hadn’t met her. she is my Marla Singer. First couple times, I didn’t see how she had any impact on him. But I eventually understood that she forced him to change. Paige has forced me to change, one way or another. My psychosis is only tangentally related to Paige, yet she’s the one that forced me to face my psychosis. It was either Cliff or Alex who said something about how slow I was degrading. The proverbial “rock bottom”. Paige sure helped me reach that in a hurry. I hope she’s doing okay.

My dad’s back from Japan. I think it was a fuse conference? Oh, how exciting. He brought back a shirt (which will fit me so tightly I’m considering getting some tight blue jeans to go with them). He also got me some incense. Mom told him I liked them. …Where the hell does she get these ideas? I’ve never burned incense in my life. I still have the ones they gave me last Christmas sitting on my windowsill. I just don’t get incense. What are you supposed to do with them?

For me, candles are all about setting a mood. It’s more about the glow of the flame, not about the particular scent. I used to burn candles a lot in High School. Particularly Junior Year. I used to pace in my room with candles lit, listening to Physical Graffiti. You know, Led Zeppelin. It just.. worked. It fit perfectly. I just don’t have moments like that with myself much anymore.

My sister suggested I just light them next time I do a candle-related thing. At least, I THINK that’s what she suggested. I’ve been trying to be more affectionate with Wendi. I heard the voice whisper, She’s your sister, she’ll think you’re weird for wanting to hug her. I silenced the voice and hugged her good night. I love my sister, after all.

We had a date today. Wendi and I, I mean. We saw Sin City right after I got home from PaneraLand. It was.. pretty forgettable. My friends seemed to like it, but it’s not my thing. Okay, Bruce Willis shot a guy in the nuts. Whoop de do. It had eye candy to keep me entertained, and characters you could sort of get behind and laugh with as they are stereotypically masculinely resilent. It fit the style the production team was attempting to create. *shrugs* I almost forgot I watched it today, ha ha.

I am not openning tomorrow. 9 – 3 tomorrow, we’ll see when I get out. I do open Friday, though. Poor Sam, the girl who opens on weekends. I won’t be there, and Trish won’t be there, either. I wonder when Trish will finally leave. She has such Panera Rage.

Hrm.

Anyway, part of the point of this entry is that I have a safety net. I’m not calling constantly. I’m not planning my entire day around her. I don’t cancel out events in advance in remote hopes. I’m doing other things. As long as I have my friends and family, I’ll be fine. Well, I’m still working on being not so annoyed by my parents, but forgive that for the moment. I love my sister and I love my friends.

Sometimes, I’m amazed I make sense when I feel like I’m all over the place.

I think I’ll do pre-sleep things so I can be asleep before midnight. Excuse me.